Overall Attitudes That Will Aid The Development Of Your People Skills
You could also call them 'meta-attitudes'. They don't directly have to do with being better with other people, but having them will help the learning process go more smoothly. The first point is pretty long, the others aren't as lengthy.
A long-term, 'bigger picture' perspective
This means recognizing that you're on a journey to some far off destination, and that getting to the end is much more important than all the little things that happen along the way. There are several reasons why thinking like this is important:
It just takes a while to hone your social skills and personality
The crappy truth is that if you're, say, a 20-year old guy who's never had a ton of friends and has a history of being socially inept , it will probably take you a year or more to get yourself into shape. Maybe you can do it quicker, especially if you're not too too messed up, but be prepared for it taking longer than you'd like. I was told something like this back when I was socially awkward and I didn't want to hear it. It had to be faster, I thought to myself. But no, it did take me a few years. I was lacking in so many fundamentals (social skills, life experience, knowledge, etc.) that I had to build them all up over time from scratch. Like any skill, your interpersonal abilities take time to gradually develop. It's hard to say exactly what you improve, and to what degree. It's like you subtlety develop dozens of little things all at once and they add up to your being better with people.
I can't say anything about other resources, but a lot of the advice on this site has a slow burning quality to it. It's not, 'do x,y,z and you'll have more friends by tomorrow!!!', it's more ,'do such-and-such and you'll be a better person overall and that will indirectly help you get more friends (or whatever)'. It takes time to improve the foundations.
Another reason it takes a while is that you're not always going to be improving yourself with maximum efficiency. You don't have a bottomless reservoir of willpower and motivation. Sometimes you're going to goof off and watch movies all weekend. You may fall into a rut of not working on yourself for a few months. Other aspects of life may legitimately distract you. It all adds up and draws out the process.
So this is kind of depressing, but it can be a relief to know going in. If you know ahead of time that this is going to take a while, you won't get too upset if you're not making huge jumps in progress from one week to the next. On the other hand, if you have the unspoken expectation that you're going to one day get over your problems instantly, then you can grow more and more discouraged when this doesn't happen.
Your overall progress towards your goals takes precedence over individual victories and setbacks
Your long-term goal could be to improve your personality as a whole, or learn to make friends and form a social circle for the first time, or try to get more comfortable making small talk with the people at your job. As you work on these goals you'll be doing lots of things like having conversations, spending time in groups, asking people to hang out to you, and approaching people to talk over and over. Doing these things repeatedly will hone your skills in those areas. It doesn't matter how well any one conversation goes as long as your skills are improving on the whole. It doesn't matter if one person turns down your invitation for coffee if your ability to make friends is getting better overall. It doesn't matter if one person doesn't like you if you're working to make five more like you in the future.
You'll be able to take the inevitable screw ups better
Oh man, you are going to screw up so much before you finally get a hang of this whole people skills thing, and then once you do you'll still continue to screw at times for the rest of your life. To get into cheesy cliche territory, behind every great artist are thousands of mediocre sketches, behind every great basketball player are thousands of missed shots and bungled plays. Screwing up a lot is a natural part of the learning process. Also, the higher you set your sights, the more you're going to have to mess up before you finally get what you want. On the other hand, if you never try to achieve anything, you'll never have to risk failure but you won't get a lot out of life.
If your perspective is rooted in the short-term then you'll get freaked out by every little thing that doesn't go your way. Say you'd like to become accepted into a certain clique. A short-term way of thinking would be to place a ton of importance on this one group of people and what they think of you, and to feel your life will be over they don't bring you into the fold. A long-term perspective may say that they're just one group of friends, and that there are many more people out there to hang out with. Joining them isn't as important as one day having a solid circle of friends, period. Even if this particular group rebuffs you, you're still making progress towards your bigger picture objective. And in the process of trying to get in with that group, you may learn lessons that will help you in the future.
You just have more time than it seems
When you're young and in the thick of your own problems, you can feel like it's the end of the world, like you have to get over your issues soon or your life will be over, if it's not already. But really, even if you never become more socially adjusted until, say, your late 20's, you still have lots of time to catch up to everyone else and enjoy a regular life.
It's weird, when you're younger you tend to see life in 4-year chunks. High-school is four years and you end up thinking that if you don't do x by the end of high-school then you've failed. Then college is usually four years. So if you don't do x by the end of college then you're really a failure. Even after college, you can mark being 25 or 26 as another milestone, then obviously 30. But really, saying you should have done x by the end of college or your loser rating goes up further is somewhat arbitrary. Is there really that much difference between being a 21-year old student and a 22-year old graduate? Why get too bent out of shape about it?
Another thing is that when you're younger you only have a hazy idea of the future, so you feel this vague urgency to do certain things right away before you run out of time. But say you never start hanging out with people and partying until you're 22. You still have eight more years of being young to have fun and play catch up before you turn 30. Eight years is double the length of high-school or college. And even 30 isn't much of an end point. I know 30-years olds whose lifestyle has stayed the same as it was in their twenties.
You can catch up too because people's social development starts to level off down at a certain point. So while they're slowly improving at a higher level, refining the groundwork they've already laid, you're quickly moving up the more basic and intermediate ranks. Eventually you'll be at a fairly equal level to them.
Here's a fact that you'll probably find motivating. Right now you might be neck deep in your problems and can't see a way out. But if you start working on yourself and making steady progress, then one day you're going to be a regular person just like everyone else. You'll have a bunch of people in your social network who you see frequently. Relationships won't be any better or worse for you than they are anyone else. Your mind will be preoccupied with all the run-of-the-mill thoughts that come with having these things. I can say this fairly confidently because there are a multitude of factors pushing you towards changing, and hardly any pushing you to stay unhappy. You have no choice but to keep pressing towards a better future. It may take a while, there may be dead ends, detours, and frustrations, but you'll still keep at it in one way or another and with enough time you'll finally get it.
You're not too hard on yourself
This one is as much about your own happiness as anything. I've already covered a lot of what I want to say in the previous section, so this one won't be too long. Another overall attitude that will help you is if you're not too hard on yourself. I've already addressed the issue of screwing up a lot. It's inevitable that you're going to mess up from time to time. There's no point in getting too down on yourself. One interaction that doesn't go well doesn't brand you a loser for eternity. Another thing I already talked about was the idea of not getting too depressed about every short-term setback, and to concentrate on the bigger picture. Here are some new points:
You don't need to be flawless to have social success
I think a lot of people beat themselves up mentally because they feel they have to have perfect social performance at all times. Every little mistake they make is proof that they're socially incompetent losers. That's not being realistic though.No one has a defect free personality or takes the ideal social actions all the time. We all have flaws that sometimes annoy other people. We don't always come off the way we'd like. Sometimes our conversations are forced and awkward. Sometimes we make ill-advised jokes that don't go over well. You're not perfect, but neither is anyone else, but by and large most people still get by socially.
Another thing, one that you've probably heard before, is that everyone has their insecurities. Good looking, seemingly together, confident people get nervous about things too. They worry about how they come across to other people. They fret over how they look or if their partner likes them. They sometimes can't think of things to say. They annoy their friends. They may also get insecure about little things that you're fine with. I knew one charismatic guy who got nervous when he first walked into a crowded room and everyone looked at him - that doesn't bother me, but it did for him, though you'd never think it at from looking at him.
Finally, you can't win with everyone. Some people just aren't going to be drawn to what you have to offer. You're not going to be an ideal romantic match for every type of person out there. Hey, I've even heard criticisms of Ghandi and Mother Theresa. As long as you can get enough people to like you to get by you'll be fine.
See the world for how it is and don't fall victim to cognitive distortions
Another element of being hard on yourself is having a skewed view of the world and reading the wrong messages from certain things. Example: you pass a bunch of people in the hall and automatically think that they all hate you. Uh, probably not.
You can get the same basic info on cognitive distortions all over the internet. Here's my summary of it from another article
Learn to see the lighter side of things
I've noticed that as I've become easier on myself I tend to see the humor in things more. Yeah, sometimes I'll ruminate about my past mistake like everyone else, but it's surprising how many of your screw ups and blatant failures seem funny after the fact. If you can laugh at yourself then you'll get a lot of amusement from all the rejections and bungled interactions you've had. In a more general sense, you can become more laid back and just learn to see that life is a cosmic joke at times. So you tried to make small talk with someone and you said something really stupid? That's a good story to tell your friends. You tried to make friends with someone and they got annoyed with you for no reason? People are weird like that sometimes.
You have confidence in your ability to figure things out for yourself
I don't know if this was the biggest factor in my successful growth from messed up, socially inept loser to relatively normal guy, but it stands out in my mind the most. I consulted tons of other sources for advice, but the whole time (okay, for most of the time) I felt that I was the one figuring out how to improve myself. I was the mastermind behind the scenes. I took and used piles of outside information when I needed it, but it all came back to me calling the shots. If I didn't agree with some advice, and felt I had good reason to disregard it, then I did. If some advice had a solid reputation but it didn't sit well with me then I trusted my judgment and ignored it (maybe the solid reputation was the result of people who really didn't know any better vouching for it). If I felt a whole area of advice wasn't useful to me then I figured out a better solution on my own. Another big reason you need the ability to figure things out on your own is that no advice is going to cover every situation you'll personally encounter. So you have to be able to use your own intelligence to fill in the gaps.
So what goes into this? The ability to critically evaluate what you read for one. Common sense is another. I didn't mindlessly accept whatever I read and then try to apply it without taking my unique circumstances and context into account. That goes for anything you read on this site too of course. A non-passive attitude is also important. Don't just wait for someone to tell you what to do, unconsciously assuming that any of your own ideas aren't worth considering.
Another important thing is not being too prone to hero worship. Or put another way, you don't put some person/author/speaker up on a pedestal, while simultaneously discounting your own views, or not bothering to form your own views at all. Yeah, you might respect the person you're reading, and they may be more knowledgeable and experienced than you about an area you want to know about, but at the same time, you're closer to them than you think. It's not that you're way down there and they're all the way up here. They're people too. Their advice and ideas have holes in it somewhere. You know more than you give yourself credit for. Hey, you could actually know more than some of the hack personalities who are just hyping themselves to sell you useless/simplistic/regurgitated products. Anyone can call themselves an expert in their own sales copy. Personally, I sincerely doubt I have any hero worshipers, partly because I go out of my way not to portray myself as some larger-than-life success, but if you met me in real life then you'd really realize I was just another guy. I'm hardly special.
All this isn't to say that you should become self-deceptive, hyper-critical, and arrogant and write off everything you don't agree with. A lot of the time you don't have all the answers, or you have the wrong ones, and need a more experienced person's input. I'm more saying to have confidence in your own ability to pull yourself out of your hole and to not feel it's only going to be other people's advice that can do it for you.
You're willing to do things that don't seem helpful at the time
I'll end this article on a simple note. Another 'meta-attitude' that will help you is a willingness to do things that don't seem directly useful at that moment. I think this applies particularly to what's written on this site, what with it being indirect and all. Say all you want is to be able to talk to people at parties more effortlessly. The idea of just putting more hours into learning about new things and generally improving yourself may not appeal to you, what does that have to do with having good things to say? But when you improve yourself overall and learn new things, converastional topics will tend to come to your more naturally. Sometimes you gotta take time to work on the boring fundamentals before you can get to the more gratifying stuff.
And then there's the general idea of keeping an open mind, being open to new things, etc etc. Sometimes you need to think for yourself and turn away certain advice, but at other times you need to give something an honest try and then make up your mind about it. No more need to go into more detail.
