The Importance Of Simplicity And The Basics In Social Interactions...
...Or why it's okay to be a normal, "boring" person
This article is more vague and theoretical than my usual stuff and I hope I can get my point across properly. I intend for it to be read in a general, philosophical way.
A few months ago I was talking to some friends I hadn't seen in a while. We were having a fairly generic, though pleasant, "So what have you been up to?" conversation. The interaction just had this feeling of flowing along nicely and effortlessly. It struck me then that I could often be effective in social situations by following the established basics and not trying to do anything too fancy. I thought back to past situations and also started paying more attention to my present interactions. I soon noticed that many of my more enjoyable, relaxed conversations are what you could call unoriginal, boring, or generic. They often fell into the kind of 'template' small talk we're all supposed to dislike. That or light joking around about nothing. I saw a similar pattern for other social situations. When I kept it simple, though effective, things often went the best for me.
I used to have misguided beliefs about what it took to do well socially
I think for the longest time I had this unconscious false belief that to do well socially I had to be super funny, unique, colorful, and interesting. I thought having a run-of-the-mill conversation wasn't good enough, so I tried to do one better by making lots of crazy jokes, putting on a zany personality, or telling lots of unique, quirky anecdotes. In hindsight I think some of the time I came across more as a try hard or as a weird, slightly manic guy. Someone would say 'hi' to me at a party and within less than a minute I'd be derailing our normal, perfectly adequate conversation with dumb jokes. Ironically, by trying to seem exceptional, and failing, I did more to hurt my chances than if I had just acted like a regular, likable person.
Don't feel you have to reinvent the wheel
I realize now that you can often do just fine by following the basics. People are often perfectly happy to have the same type of conversation they've had a million times. They're content to be friends with you in the same manner they've been with all their past friends. Doing something too different may feel disconcerting and random for them. This isn't to say you should be totally dry or unoriginal, more to be aware that you can often do just fine following well-worn patterns. I'm not saying, "Talk about dull things and everyone will like you", more, "Don't feel you have to pull off a million tricks to make a lasting impression." And even when you follow more typical guidelines or styles, your personality can't help but shine through.
Doing well socially can be as much about not messing up as being ultra charismatic
Like a lot of things, I think you can often do just fine for yourself socially if you follow the fundamentals and not make any big blunders. You can more or less interact in the same manner as everyone else. It works for them, so it should work for you. You don't necessarily need all these secret, super effective ways of talking to people, more to just get rid of those bad habits you have that actively blow your chances with them.
People often don't have overly picky standards about what they want in others
Sometimes I used to assume that other people had these super strict requirements about what they wanted in a friend. If I didn't really stand out in some way, they'd have no desire to have me around. Today I think a lot of the time if you can just be good company, someone who's alright to talk to, someone pretty fun to go out with, and an all-around okay person, then you're good to go. Of course you also have to have commonalities with your friends and stuff, but at the same time, you don't have to present as this blinding light of unique awesomeness.
Social savvy is often about doing the basics just a little better than most, not in doing things in an entirely different way
When I think back to people I've met who impressed me as being confident and personable they were usually someone who had the social basics down pat, but in a particularly solid, refined way. It wasn't that they were a completely different animal from regular folks. I'd chit chat to them like I would anyone else, about standard topics, but their interpersonal skills would be subtly better-than-average. They were a little bit sharper and funnier. They seemed more tuned in and attentive towards you than most people. Their body language was that much more friendly and confident. You felt comfortable around them more quickly. There was nothing in particular about how they dressed that stood out, but they were more well put together than most of the people in the room. They were normal people, but maybe 10% more polished.
Hope that made sense. Of course, you've got to know what the basics are before you can apply them. I also think you need a certain level of social experience before you tell what's too simple, what's just right, what's complicating things too much and hindering you, etc. It's not all that tricky though. And finally, I want to say again that this isn't to say to always be 'basic' or 'simple', of course there's a time to bust out the jokes and zany stories. Also, simple doesn't always have to mean 'generic' or 'typical'. My message is more that going with the basics is often sufficient, and that trying too hard to make things different can burn you.
