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When You Don't Know Where To Start Working On Your Social Issues

Some people who come to this site are more-or-less socially adjusted, and they're just looking for advice on a specific issue or two. For example, many adults find they're not as handy at making friends as they thought they were when they move to a new city. For them, knowing where to start is simple. They just have to look up some info on the areas they're having a hard time with.

However, when someone is more socially awkward overall they may feel overwhelmed and like they don't know where to start trying to improve. For one, they may just identify a whole whack of issues they have. Also, the main social problem areas tend to be tied together, so you often can't work on one in isolation. For example, if someone tries to apply the skills of meeting people and making friends, their problems with shyness, lack of confidence, and unpracticed conversation ability may all pop up at once and demand attention.

Realize you're going to be working on several things at the same time

This doesn't answer the question of, "Okay, but where do I start?", but realize that no matter where you technically decide to begin, it probably won't be long before many related issues crop up, and you suddenly have to juggle of them. There's not really any getting around it. Socializing is multifaceted and draws on many abilities. You'll have to slowly build them all up together. That's not to say you can't pick a few priorities to concentrate on to a degree. It's just that socializing isn't like learning to build a house, where there's a logical order to the skills you'll need to know (e.g., pouring a foundation has to come before installing the eavestroughs).

Realize no matter how you approach things, it will still take time

In a sense it doesn't matter if you start with one thing over another, because it still takes a while to get past social awkwardness, and you're going to have to get to the other issues eventually anyway.

Some options for where to start

With those two points out of the way, I'll still suggest some possible jumping off spots:

Dive in and figure it out as you go

This is a perfectly reasonable strategy, though maybe if you've chosen to read this article in the first place it's not entirely your style. Not everyone has to have a spreadsheet full of clearly delineated goals. Just start with an area that your gut tells you you want to work on, and then adjust things as you go. Like you may decide you want to get better at talking to people in large groups, and once you start trying to practice that you'll develop a clearer idea of what else you have to focus on.

Figure out what your main goal is, and what skills are subordinate to that

This isn't always easy, but if you give it some thought you may realize you have one central social goal, and that any other aspect of socializing you'll have to learn along the way are in service to it. A simple example is a lonely person who wants to build a social life. They may also be shy and insecure, stilted when they make small talk, and living a life that's firmly in a rut. However, they view all these issues as affecting their ability to apply the skills of making more friends. When you have a main goal, you can start with the tasks related to achieving it, and then work on any other problems as they come up.

If you can identify some issues you can work on in isolation, start with them

Not every issue, big or small, is tied into five other ones. Some can be worked on in a more compartmentalized way. For example, someone may have a fear of a specific social situation, but their capacity to interact with people in it is fine. They just have to do something about that self-contained nervousness. Another person could have a problem with making eye contact - not because of any other issues, but because they never got in the habit of doing it, and now it feels weird to them.

Start with easier tasks first

Some people have a primary goal, and they'd rather begin on it right away, even if it's a more difficult one to achieve. Some readers may want to ease themselves into the process by starting with social improvements they can handle. What's easy and what isn't depends on the person, but in I find most people gauge of the easiness of social situations more on how much they're nerve-racking or discouraging, rather than on how technically simple they are to accomplish. Like someone may subjectively feel it's harder to take ten seconds to invite someone out to coffee, than to spend six months getting in shape. It varies though. Some people aren't that affected by anxiety, but find more technical skills, like making small talk, bewildering and mentally draining.

Each of the site's four biggest sections (making friends, shyness/fears/insecurity, making conversation, generally polishing your social persona) begin with a quick article listing the main actionable tasks that arise from that section. Each of the tasks has an estimated difficulty assigned to it. In a more general sense, here's an admittedly imprecise overview of what types of tasks are the easiest and the most challenging to work on:

Easiest

Hardest

Also, within each of these broad categories, you could further break down the sub-tasks that are the simplest and most challenging for you to work on, e.g., within the Fear Facing category, you may find it easiest to get used to inviting people out, but quite hard to get up on stage and sing karaoke with your friends. It's funny, even as I'm writing this, it sounds like a lot of work for someone to do, to create this grand chart of what's easiest and hardest for them. That's why I say sometimes it feels easier to accept the process of improving will be scattered and inelegant, and go with the flow.

It's okay if you don't feel like starting now, or not at full tilt

It takes work to improve your social skills. Not everyone is fully ready to change them yet. It's okay if a part of you wants to get started on getting over your awkward side, but a bigger part is comfortable where you are. Or if you do start taking steps to change your situation, there's no law that says you have to throw yourself 100% into the process. You could dip your toe in the water for now, and get more serious about it down the road.