Accepting People Can Change Their Mind About Their Social Decisions

One thing some people struggle with is understanding and accepting that others can change their mind, about social plans they want to make or how they see their friendships. If someone has trouble with this they may find themselves feeling confused in situations like the following:

• You hit it off with someone in one of your college classes. They tell you how fun you are to talk to and say the two of you should hang out one weekend. You're excited about this new social prospect. Over the coming weeks you continue to chat to them in class. They're still friendly, but their initial enthusiasm toward you seems to have cooled off a bit, and they don't mention hanging out again. When you try bringing it up yourself they react like they've forgotten they even said that to you, and vaguely explain they're busy these days.
• You're hanging out with a newer friend and they say the two of you should go on a road trip in the summer. You say that sounds great, and you both start tossing around ideas about places you could check out. Summer is still a ways off so neither of you brings up the idea over the following months. When you do mention it again they seem disinterested and casually say they've already made other travel plans for around that time.
• You've been friends with someone for about a year. For the first six months you got along well. They told you they saw you as one of their closest friends, and made little references to how you'll still be hanging out years from now. Then over the next few months they became less and less available to hang out, and started taking longer to reply to your texts. For the last several weeks they've said they had too much on their plate and weren't up to getting together anytime soon.

Anyone may feel disappointed or puzzled by this kind of behavior. Though most people are able to understand that the other person may be acting that way because they had a change of heart. They get that there are several reasons someone may go back on what they said:

• They realize some people are fickle and can get caught up in the excitement when they meet someone new or think about a big plan they could make. At that moment they're super into the idea of being friends with a guy they just met at a party, or organizing a trip, but once those initial emotions wear off they don't feel like doing it anymore. The next day they think, "I only talked to him for fifteen minutes last night. Why would I want to get together when I already have a group of friends?" or "I'm broke. I can't travel anywhere."
• They know people's opinions may evolve over time for less-capricious reasons. Like someone may be enthusiastic about a friendship in its early stages, then have those feelings fade as they get to know the person better and learn they're not as compatible as they initially thought. An acquaintance may be into a hobby for a time, and talk about going to a convention with you, but then gradually lose interest in it and no longer want to attend.
• They also get that sometimes someone only seems to have changed their mind, but they never actually believed or intended to do what they said in the first place. They're aware there are people who say "Let's hang out sometime" as an empty gesture, or that someone may lie and tell a colleague they see them as a buddy because they want to use them as a free ride to work.

Some people have a harder time grasping the idea that anyone could change their mind. When someone flip flops on them it can leave them feeling really upset and confused. As far as they're concerned the person once said they were going to invite them out, or that they were good friends, and they just can't comprehend why their current actions aren't lining up with that. They may spend a ton of time stuck in rumination or over-analysis, but still not feel any closer to figuring out what's going on.

Reasons people have trouble understanding that others can change their minds

One explanation is that they're socially inexperienced and naive. They simply don't know that some people can be this way. They may be consistent and dependable themselves, and grew up with family members who were reliable. When they meet someone who suggests hanging out and then doesn't follow through, it doesn't compute at first.

Another is having a type of neurodiversity, such as being on the autism spectrum, that causes them to have trouble intuitively understanding how other people can approach social situations. People with autism can be more literal in their thinking. They assume that if someone says they want to do something they 100% intend to act on it, or that if someone tells them they have a certain belief or opinion, they'll hold it forever.

One more reason is that on an unconscious level someone may suspect they've been rejected, and also don't believe they can handle the pain of acknowledging it. It may be a milder rejection, like a co-worker not wanting to get together after all, or a bigger one like their best friend choosing to wind down the relationship. Either way, accepting that possibility feels too difficult to take in, so their mind keeps them locked in confusion. Being confused is unpleasant in its own way, but preferable to the greater emotional blow of knowing someone rejected them. Due to past baggage and traumas they may be much more sensitive to and afraid of rejection compared to the average person, so their unconscious has found ways to protect them.

All three of these factors may be operating in someone at the same time, which may make it extra-difficult for them to wrap their head around what's going on. It's not uncommon for people who are neurodiverse to have less social experience and a history of rejection.

Getting better at accepting people can change their minds

If someone's on the naive side, just getting more social knowledge and experience usually helps. They may still find it irritating and disappointing to learn that not everyone's as dependable as they assumed, but they can come to terms with it easily enough.

For people who are neurodiverse, learning more about how neurotypical people can change their minds can also help. Their understanding may stay more theoretical. On a deeper level it may still feel illogical and mystifying that people can think and act in such a way where they'll promise to do something and then not keep their word. They may always slightly begrudge having to put up with this behavior. However, they now understand enough that they can move on faster if it happens to them.

If someone's feeling confused because they're really afraid to accept they've been rejected, that's trickier. They may have to build up their ability to handle rejection and the intense, difficult emotions that can come with it. They might have to do some longer-term work on the childhood baggage that makes them so sensitive to rejection to begin with.