When Trying To Make Friends Starts To Feel Like A Chore

Some people are lonely and on one level they clearly want to make friends. They've got some motivation to put themselves out there and try to meet people. On another level trying to build a social life is really starting to feel like a chore. They didn't get lucky and stumble into a great group of buddies within weeks of starting. They've been at this for months, or even years.

They're tired of going to events, meet ups, and classes around town to try to meet someone. They're over making small talk with randos they don't have much in common with, in the hope that they'll finally click with one of them. They're sick of trying to organize get togethers with the handful of promising leads they find, only to have things fizzle out.

Other aspects of their life may also start to feel like part of the grind. Like they may pick up hobbies or start watching shows they don't particularly care for, as a way to have more to talk about, or to cultivate another angle for meeting people. It can feel like everything they do is some joyless task in service of getting over their loneliness.

It's okay to think this way

If you feel like this you're not being irrational or negative or whiny. Trying to make friends can be draining and tedious if the process drags out too long:

Ways to make looking for a social life feel like less of a dreary routine

Here are some things that should help. A few of them may seem obvious, but we can sometimes get into a rut and not think of them ourselves:

Try your best to accept that trying to make friends may always feel like work to some degree

That's extra true if you don't naturally enjoy the kinds of things that are part of that process. Some folks love dropping in on events and making chit chat with people for its own sake. If they make a closer friend, that's a bonus. Others merely tolerate that stuff, and just wish they could get to the end result of having a steady social circle, so they don't have to go out and hang around strangers anymore.

Think more about what you genuinely want in your friendships

Question whether you're putting energy into going after something that doesn't actually excite you. A part of you may genuinely want more companionship. However, another part doesn't really need a busy, mainstream-style social life, but you're going after it because society has told you this is what you should shoot for. You may worry about being judged as a loser or creepy loner if you don't have a ton of friends, and are trying to make them to avoid that judgment.

Try to find activities that are more your style

Don't force yourself to go to those drop-in salsa or improv classes just because they're standard suggestions for ways to meet people. If you truly have no interest in them look for something that's more up your alley. Do things purely for your own enjoyment. Yeah, a more obscure, niche hobby class may not let you meet as many friendship prospects in terms of raw numbers, but at least you won't feel checked out while you're there. One barrier some people have to pursuing their true interests is they worry everyone will judge them for being dorky.

Work on any blocks to enjoying aspects of the process

As I mentioned, trying to make friends can feel like more of a chore if you find the parts of it unpleasant or tiresome. If you dislike small talk, or find it nerve racking to try to start conversations, that discomfort adds up. It's not something you can solve in a week, and the task of working on it may feel like yet another unwelcome item on your To Do list, but if you can get better at light chit chat, or start to feel more relaxed around strangers, then going to meet people won't seem so much like work. Of course, you still need to balance that out with an acceptance of what you realistically want to do or not. If you deeply see parts of the process as a chore to endure, there's only so much you can shift that attitude.

Work on your deeper mental blocks

In your surface awareness you may feel like trying to make friends is a chore. It's only a mildly unpleasant way to see the situation, but it may still be enough to make you want to scale back your efforts or throw up your hands entirely. Deeper down there may be more going on. You may have buried feelings of hopelessness and pessimism, or a sense that you're too weird and unlikable to ever connect with anyone. Those emotions and beliefs can feel too intense and scary to face, so in your conscious thoughts you only have a sense of, "Ugh, going to all these meet ups is starting to get boring." How to do all that is way too much to explain in this quick article, but if you find and work through some of that hidden baggage you should find your attitude toward trying to meet people starts to shift.

Take a break from trying to make friends

If trying to build a social life is truly feeling like a monotonous grind, it may help to take some time off from it all. It doesn't have to be a full on break, though that's okay too if you feel you need it. You could just scale back a portion of your social efforts for a bit and give yourself more room to breathe.

I know if you feel really lonely or behind socially it can seem like you can't possibly prolong your search, but over the long haul a few weeks away isn't going to make a huge difference. It may even help to recharge your batteries so you can put in even more effort in overall. Another mental block people can have is believing they're being lazy or uncommitted if they aren't going after their goal 24/7/365, but there's no law that says you have to be a relentless robot about this kind of thing.


Related:

Handling Feelings Of Frustration And Discouragement As You're Trying To Improve Your Social Skills
When You Feel Like Giving Up On Trying To Make Friends Or Get Over Your Shyness