Feeling Nostalgic For A Time When You Cared Less About Your Social Success

Some people are at a stage where they're trying to make friends, improve their communication skills, and feel more confident around others. They really care about these goals, but a little too much. It's to the point where they often feel anxious, insecure, and overly concerned about what everyone thinks of them.

Sometimes they'll wistfully reflect on a time in their past when they had a different mindset toward socializing and weren't so stressed out about fitting in. They may realize that old headspace led to other problems, but at least they felt more at peace with their social life. Here are some common ones:

Being an arrogant "Me vs. Everyone" misanthrope

They used to look down on most people as shallow simpletons. They certainly didn't care what anyone thought of them. Why would some mouth breather's vapid, worthless opinion matter? They felt like no one liked, respected, or understood them, but that just gave them motivation to go their own way in life and succeed on their terms.

It might have felt good to them to believe they were better than everyone and destined for greater things. Or it could have been painful to feel angry and misunderstood all the time, but at least on some level they could frame themselves as a righteous victim of an unfair, small minded world.

These days they actually care about how people see them. They want to be liked and accepted. Not by everyone certainly, but some of them. It's tough to feel vulnerable like that. They may realize their old misanthropic attitude was partially a defense mechanism, but in a way it was nice to feel like they were indifferent to everyone's judgments.

Not being aware that close friendships can be nurturing and fulfilling

Growing up someone may have never really fit in or had any close, rewarding friendships. Their lack of a social life didn't bother them as a kid because they didn't know what they were missing. They could entertain themselves in other ways. They may have spent some social time with their family, which was enough to keep them going. That or their relationship with their parents and siblings wasn't that warm, accepting, or supportive either, so it reinforced their sense that they were fine by themselves.

Eventually they learned how meaningful and fulfilling a good friendship could be, though the one that taught them that might not have lasted. Now they do know what they're missing. They're desperate to form more meaningful relationships. However, a part of them may wish they could turn that desire off and go back to their younger Ignorance Is Bliss days.

Being perfectly content with their solitary pastimes

There may have been elements of this for people in the category above. Earlier in life they had a disposition where they were happy having solo hobbies. They may not have had any friends, or did hang out with people occasionally, but they were also totally fine on their own. They could easily, contentedly lose hour after hour in reading, playing video games, drawing, making crafts, and so on.

In the past they didn't feel lonely or deprived spending time by themselves. Now something's shifted. Maybe they realized what they were missing, or their needs and preferences naturally changed as they got older. These days they don't think there's anything wrong with doing things on their own, but it doesn't feel like enough. They can enjoy their solo hobbies for a bit, but before long they get antsy and want some company. They're nostalgic for the days when whole weekends could go by without them caring whether they saw another soul or not.

Being immersed in trying to succeed in a way they thought would compensate for their lack of social connections

In the past they knew they weren't socially successful, but believed they could make up for it by becoming rich, making a name for themselves in their career, or doing well academically. For years they drank their own Kool-Aid and enthusiastically pursued their alternative goal. It felt good to be so motivated and focused, and convinced that once they achieved their dream they wouldn't have to worry about their barren social life any more.

Now they know other kinds of success won't cancel out the unhappiness that comes from not having any friends or social confidence. Life feels harder and messier. They wish they could sink back into their old comfortable story, where they thought everything would be great once they made a bunch of money or got enough admiration from their co-workers.

What can you do if you find yourself feeling nostalgic for an old mindset?

This may not be what you want to hear, but first you should try to accept that you probably can't go back to how you used to think. Your previous mentality may have worked when you were younger and didn't know any better, but you can't erase your current-day knowledge or reverse your level of emotional maturity.

However, the fact that you're pining for your old headspace may be your mind's way of telling you you've swung too far in the other direction. Before you didn't care what anyone thought, and maybe in a way that was a tad extreme or self-sabotaging. But now you care too much about how well you fit in. It may make sense to think about how you could become somewhat more secure with yourself or not as affected by everyone's opinions. There's no easy, simple set of instructions for how to do that - insecurity comes in many flavours - though the articles in this section of the site should help.