Thoughts On Being Picky When Making Friends

People can have trouble with their social lives when they're too picky or not picky enough. If they're overly choosy they can keep themselves lonely by needlessly ruling out too many folks who would have been good friends if given a chance. Having standards that are too low leads to relationships that are poor matches. At worst that means bringing toxic, destructive people into your life. At best you end up with a social circle that's alright enough to hang out with, but which leaves you feeling vaguely unsatisfied. Here are some assorted thoughts about pickiness around making friends:

Factors that can make people not picky enough

• They feel really lonely and want the benefits of having friends, any friends.
• They feel under social pressure to be seen as having a social life, and not as a weird loner or loser who no one likes.
• They believe they have to take what they can get, because their personality isn't appealing, or they don't have the social skills or confidence to create many new connections.
• They're uncomfortable with rejecting people and hurting their feelings. They'd rather become friends with a "meh" match then turn them away.
• They're trying to rack up as much social and friendship experience as they can, and will hang out with anyone who will take them, even if they're not great people.
• They have an unconscious drive to try to make it work with a toxic type of person. They seek them out as friends, and then put up with their hurtful or thoughtless behavior.
• They have a strong need to be accepted by everyone, and will try to befriend them to feel liked and included.

Factors that can make people too picky

• They're afraid of being rejected soon after meeting people, and manage it by disqualifying and rejecting them first.
• They've been hurt before by longer-term friends and are being picky to try to avoid getting mistreated by the same kind of person again, but their filter is too strong.
• On some level they're afraid of having closer friends, and are overly choosy as a way to avoid developing a deeper connection with anyone. To pick one possible example of many, maybe they have a deep-seated fear of becoming too dependent on other people.
• They're overly negative about others for various reasons. They may be unhappy overall, and their sad, grouchy mood sours the way they look at everyone. They may have a false sense of being superior as a defense mechanism.
• They find it really unpleasant to feel frustrated and discouraged when a potential friendship doesn't get off the ground. They hope to prevent that by only going after people who seem like a perfect, fail-safe match.

Factors that can make someone be appropriately picky, though they may still find it inconvenient to have to rule out so many prospects

• They have a more unique personality and interests, and genuinely don't click with most people.
• They have a lower need to socialize, and only want to spend their time with very well-matched friends.
• They already have a lot of their social needs met, and only want to take on another friendship if it's a great fit.
• They only value really close, deep, compatible friendships. More superficial acquaintances and activity buddies don't do much for them.

When it makes sense to try to be more or less picky

There are obvious situations where it's reasonable to tell someone to be more picky:

• They keep ending up with toxic "friends" who abuse them, in large ways and small.
• They're filling their social calendar with so-so matches that leave them feeling bored and unsatisfied.
• They've already got more friends and acquaintances than they have the time or energy for. If they're going to add anyone new they need to really be worth it.

It's reasonable to tell someone to try to be less choosy if:

• They've been searching for the right friends for a while, and putting in a solid effort, and no one seems to fit the bill. Their ideal matches may still be out there, but it makes sense to try widening the net a bit to see if that works.
• They tend to initially, reflexively be down on new prospects, but often warm up to them after spending more time together. They may be that way because they're less socially experienced, haven't figured out what they like yet, and their first instinct is to be overly choosy.
• Their standards are so high they're looking for people who essentially don't exist. It doesn't matter how long they hold out, they're not going to find them. They don't need to lower their standards a ton, but they need to be a touch more realistic.
• They've set a high bar to clear for a type of relationship that doesn't require it. They want a few casual activity or party buddies to have some light fun with, but are screening people as if they were looking for a super-intimate, soul-level friendship.

When it seems as if you should be less picky, but it doesn't feel right

At times someone will be struggling to make friends they feel excited about, keep getting told they should be less picky, and they have tried doing that, but feel stuck about whether it's really the best way to go:

• On one hand, they admit they have strict requirements for new friends, which no one seems to meet. They wonder if they're being excessively choosy, perhaps due to some unconscious block that makes them want to find excuses to push everyone away. Maybe they do have to gently nudge themselves to give everyone more of a chance and try to appreciate a wider range of people...
• On the other hand, forcing themselves to lower their standards and hang out with people who don't do it for them doesn't feel right either. That seems like they're making themselves settle so they can have a social life for its own sake. Maybe they just haven't come across the right mates yet, and they need to trust their criteria more, lean into their pickiness, and be more patient in their search.

If you're in this spot it's easy to doubt yourself and go back and forth. There's no simple answer about whether you need to lower your standards or not. Here are some assorted points that may help you decide what to do:

Consider your age and life experience

If you're younger or newer to making friends, lean toward assuming you're being overly picky and give people more of a chance. You can always move on from them later if it still doesn't work out. If you're older, have already had lots of friends over the years, and really know yourself, lean toward staying picky. It's more likely you have a realistic idea of what you want and don't want in a relationship. If you have to wait around a little longer for that type of person to come along, so be it.

Try to figure out what you truly want for yourself vs. what pressure is coming from the outside world

I find people in this "Am I being too choosy?" bind are often less naturally social. They're okay with having a smaller, quieter social life while they wait for the right matches. Sure, they'd love it if some amazing friends fell into their lap tomorrow, but their more solitary status quo is hardly making them miserable. However, they can get messages from the wider world like, "There's something wrong with you if you don't have a bunch of friends" or "You may think you're content now, but you'll regret it later if you don't surround yourself with a ton of buddies when you're younger" that make them question themselves.

Ask yourself what you'd want if you knew no one would know about or judge you for your authentic social preferences. You may find you'd be content to not get up to much socially until some really solid prospects came along. In that case, try to honor your true nature. When you consider these things it's still possible to have mental blind spots that keep you disconnected with what you really want, but hopefully you'll get some clarity.

Explore whether you have any fears around making friends

I don't think everyone who's socially picky has secret fears at the heart of it all, though that can certainly explain what's going on in some cases. There are all kinds of reasons someone may become afraid of some aspect of friendships, and then develop a critical or apathetic attitude toward potential friends to protect themselves from having to face any of it head on.

Sometimes it's easy to figure out when your pickiness is driven by fear. On the surface you may feel bored or annoyed at the thought of becoming friends with a certain kind of person, but if you dig just a tiny bit past that you quickly start to feel the anxiety coursing through you. And if you pay attention to what that nervousness is telling you, you get a clear idea of what you're worried will happen. For example, you might feel spooked at the thought of someone rejecting you, or having them become too clingy and dependent and then falling apart when you have to end the friendship.

At other times you'll try exploring your pickiness, and feel calm and rational as you reflect on your high standards. It's still possible there's some subtle fear motivating you, but it may take time and skill to get in touch with. Again, what you find could be a more straightforward aversion to rejection, or something more complex, like a worry that your family will abandon you if you make new friends and then change in a way they don't approve of.

There are lots of ways to find out what might be going on under your hood, which I've written about here: Ways To Uncover The Unconscious Motivations That Are Holding You Back

One simple idea I'll share now is to vividly imagine yourself becoming friends with someone you'd normally want to pass on. What emotions, thoughts, or images come up? Is it something like, "Ah, we just wouldn't have much in common and I'd find their company boring"? Or a more surprising reaction, like a rush of worry while thinking, "What if we grew closer, then I got tired of them and wanted to end the relationship, and they felt super crushed by it? I'm responsible for their feelings. I couldn't handle the guilt!"

So you may be able to get to the bottom of things fairly quickly, or it may be a drawn out process. If you do find you have some fears around having friends, then you can try to address them. It's also hard to say how long this step could take. Once you're aware of your fears it might be as simple as softly pushing yourself to lower your standards, and then experiencing firsthand your worst case scenario won't actually happen. You may also have to go down a longer road of working through the various pieces of childhood baggage that are sustaining your worries.

What if you make an honest attempt to see if there are any fears at the root of your pickiness and don't come up with any? Well it's technically possible there's still some unconscious motivation or wound to discover, but it's really, really buried. Though at a certain point it's reasonable to call off the search. A more realistic explanation is you're picky for other reasons, like you're just wired not to enjoy very many people's company.

Try to accept and make peace with the fact that you may be less social or compatible with few people

Even if you'd be happier with fewer friends, it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that you want to live a life that goes against the grain of society. You may believe you're weird or broken. Or you may accept yourself just fine, but not like the idea that other people may see you as strange or anti-social. Similarly, it can be difficult to accept that you've got a lot of rare, unique traits, and most of the people you meet aren't going to be a fit for you. You may wish you could easily enjoy other people's company, and find a bunch of buddies everywhere you go, but that's not going to be your lot in life. You may have to work through the grief of not having the smooth, simple social life you wished you did.