Losing Your Naivety And Getting More Of An Edge
Some people who are socially awkward can trace a lot of their problems back to rough, less-than-ideal childhoods. I can't say how useful this article will be to them. I'm not in that category. I was socially lacking partly because I lived a sheltered, isolated life growing up. I wasn't home schooled or anything, but I spent a lot of time by myself and missed out on much of the exposure to the world that my more social peers experienced.
I was really naive and innocent and totally lacking any 'edge' when I was younger. You could have called me a goody goody. I colored inside the lines and kept out of trouble. I didn't like taking risks and wasn't drawn to them like some people were. I was pretty wimpy and got overly scared and intimidated by things that were fairly innocuous in hindsight. In middle school if I knew someone smoked and occasionally cut classes I thought of them as dangerous thugs. If someone said they got their brother to buy them beers my heart started beating fast and I had to get away from such an unstable rebel. If I overheard someone talking about moshing at a concert I thought they were tough guys with nothing to lose who would kick my ass at any second. One guy said he tagged some railroad cars with a marker over the weekend. I was disgusted at what a skeevy law breaker he was.
In late high school, and for my first year or two of university, people often said that I seemed really innocent. Looking back, I totally was. I remember around the time of my senior prom that several people were talking about getting hotel rooms to party in after the main reception. I wasn't invited to any of these of course, seeing that I was totally out of the loop socially, and wasn't quite clear on why people were booking such rooms. I swear at one point I thought to myself, "But the prom ends at 11:30pm. That's time for bed. Why would anyone want to stay up later?!?"
Actually, I never went to a party all through high school, in case that last point didn't make it obvious. No, on the odd occasion that I did hang out with someone outside of school I either saw a movie during the day or hung around their house... during the day. Here's another example of how hip I was. In one class a girl was talking about how she got drunk and made out with a guy at a party. I thought she was a total slut, but I was also intimidated by the idea that someone could be so wantonly sexual. I could go on....
Sometime in second year of university I started to loosen up and learn more about the world. If you're really naive and 'edgeless' at the moment here's my advice to you:
Try to learn about the world and the sketchier side of life
I was so innocent and naive because I was clueless about the real world that existed outside my dorky bubble. I spent most of my free time by myself in front of one screen or another. If I was learning about the world, it was about the world of Hyrule or Warhammer 40k. Meanwhile, my high-school classmates were hanging out with their friends on the weekends. Some of them were doing standard teenage rebellious/experimental/wanting-to-act-older/wanting-to-have-fun things like drinking underage, trying weed, or sneaking into bars. Sometimes they weren't even doing anything all that 'bad'. They were just dating or doing other typical things to mature normally. Not me.
So by the time I got to college I was behind everyone. I caught up a lot just by getting out more, but I also made an effort to learn about all the things that I missed. I'd get on the internet or go to the library and try to read up on things like drinking, partying, sex, crime, youth culture, and various subcultures. I know it sounds lame to try to read up on these things to learn about them, but I still was still pretty clueless at that point and it did help fill in some of my knowledge gaps. I also tried to keep my ears open for this kind of information around people and take it in.
I tried to learn more about people as well. I was interested in the kind of upbringing that could cause someone to act out or fall into a bad lifestyle. I learned about the psychology (low self-esteem, depression, anger, etc.) that can lead people to do self-destructive or reckless things. I tried to be less of a square about some of my attitudes and acquire a less one-sided perspective.
There's a big difference between condoning, or doing something, and just being educated about it. There's no point in being too sheltered. You might as well know what's out there and try to have a balanced, objective idea about it, even if you never get into it yourself. Here's a random example: When I was younger I equated doing coke with being degenerate criminal scum. I learned more about it, and the people who do it, and found the truth to be much more complicated. I've never done it myself, but I don't see it from such an inflexible black-and-white viewpoint anymore.
Try not to be so judgmental about minor 'bad' things that other people do
I used to be pretty uptight and self-righteous when I heard about other people doing things like drinking underage, or getting stoned, or shoplifting lipstick, or racing their car against a buddy's. "How dare they break the rules" I thought to myself angrily. I was super responsible, and obedient, and conscientious, and couldn't tolerate the idea that someone else would flout the rules. I was also a bit naive, so this, combined with my anal nature, meant I reacted to standard dumb teenager stuff as if they were more serious and reprehensible crimes.
I'm not telling you to approve these things, and I'm definitely not telling you to do them yourselves. I just think though that most people do do technically bad, though relatively harmless, things at one time or another. I'm sure you can think of various Presidents or Prime Ministers who don't have spotless records. You can't be too uptight about this stuff or expect everyone to act like angels all the time. The vast majority of people are good about not committing serious crimes, but they'll do things like drive over the speed limit, or drink before their 21st birthdays, or use dirty words, or get drunk and kick mailboxes, or commit minor acts of vandalism to impress their friends, or experiment with drugs once or twice, or skip classes, or whatever. Sure, this stuff is kind of bad, but overall I don't think you can make too big a deal out of it.
Don't be too intimidated by people who do bad things
I mentioned this in the intro. I was a super wimpy kid and got unduly scared around people who had even the slightest bit of a bad reputation. I felt like they were going to pull a knife out and stab me at any moment.
Now I'm more comfortable around such people. A big part of it had to do with the above heading and re-evaluating my definition of what a 'bad' person was. A guy who partied a lot and got into some drunken hijinks wasn't really all that evil, even if I thought he was a reckless dumbass at times.
Sometimes I ran into people who had a more legitimate claim for being sketchy characters. Maybe they dealt pot and coke out of their apartments. Maybe they committed lots of crimes when they were younger. Maybe they've stolen cars to joyride around in before. Maybe one of the guys who works on the loading docks at work has been to jail before. I totally don't approve of doing B&E's as a sixteen year old or stealing cars, but at the same time, you can usually be around these people without them pounding your face in for no reason. If you meet a friend-of-a-friend at a bar and he's telling you about a phase he went through in high-school where he shoplifted a lot of CDs, odds are he won't kill you in cold blood right then and there. There's no need to get overly scared by people like this. And then there are the people who were into some sketchy stuff when they were younger but changed their ways. I've known some awesome people who fit this description. You can't write someone off just for some dumb stuff they once did.
Also, sometimes people will appear more tough, sketchy, and thuggish than they are, maybe because of the subculture they're into, or the area they grew up in, but they're really nothing to get too concerned about. In my more naive, scared-of-my-shadow days I'd get unduly anxious around them.
And that's it. I'm not going to advise you to actually experiment or dabble in anything here.
If you want to go ahead. If not, that's fine too. But I'm not the one who was dumb enough to recommend you do it. This article isn't so much about actually doing anything anyways, it's about shedding your naive, uptight attitude if you have one. I'm still largely a good, responsible guy. Any 'bad' stuff I do is of the innocuous variety that any person who parties occasionally gets into. Otherwise I'm a model citizen.
And one last point:
Don't be too nice
And now I'll take this article in another direction to finish it off. I think besides from being naive and innocent, being too nice is the other big factor that makes you seem like you have no edge. I guess this topic could fill its own article but in summary I think you're being 'too nice' if you're being nice when a regular person wouldn't be. Are you being nice to a rude coworker when most people would be asserting themselves or rolling their eyes? Are you being nice and friendly to someone who disrespected you or subtlety insulted you? Why are you being nice to them??? You don't have to turn around and be a total dick, but being nice isn't the appropriate response. It makes you look like a wimpy pushover to other people.
