You Don't Have To Totally Change And Sell Out To Have Social Success
To some people, if you mention the idea of them improving their social skills, they think of things like selling out, being forced to change, and having to fit into society's mold. It's true that if you improve your people skills, you won't be exactly the same person you were before, but that's true of any new thing you do. I also think you can get better with people without having to sacrifice your individuality or identity.
Changing your level of social skills doesn't mean you have to change anything else about yourself
Social skills help you get along with people better and express yourself more effectively. They more affect how you say things, not what you say. If you're expressing your opinion to someone, you don't have to change your opinion. Maybe you just won't interrupt someone or be condescending as you get it out there.
If you like swimming and painting and you improve your people skills, it's not like you have to give up those hobbies and get new ones. If you're serious and intellectual, you can still be serious and intellectual. You'll just be able to deal with other people better. You don't have to turn yourself into a caricature of a sociable person.
A lot of the time you're not changing yourself so much as adding to yourself
As you get better with people, you may pick up some new knowledge and skills. That doesn't erase or overwrite any of the other stuff you knew how to do, or any of your old opinions or preferences. You've more expanded and augmented yourself than changed. You have some new options in you repertoire now, but you also get to keep all the old ones.
Your core self isn't affected by superficial changes in how you act
In one sense, I've changed quite a bit over the last few years as I've gotten better socially. But in another way I'm still very much the person I always was. I'm a more refined, matured, and developed version of that person, but my core traits and tendencies are as they always were. I didn't sell them out to be more socially successful and couldn't have if I tried.
I still have the same values for the most part. I still enjoy all my old interests. My world view is the same. My sense of humor still has the same style to it. I still have all those indescribable qualities that make me me. If you asked anyone who's known me for a long time they'd say I was still the same old Chris, just that I seem happier and I'm easier to get along with now.
Improving your people skills can give you freedom to be your true self
This one sounds ridiculous, right? How does putting effort into changing yourself so that you better conform to society's concept of good social skills give you more freedom to be yourself? I came to this conclusion through personal experience. I found that when you have decent social skills, people generally think you're an alright person and are pretty accepting of any interests, beliefs, or personality traits you have, even if they're pretty quirky and esoteric. If you come across as a fairly cool, likable person, no one really cares if you have so-called dorky personality traits or hobbies. They may even encourage it or be interested in your hobby themselves, because if you like it, it has to have its good points. At the worst, you'll get some good-natured teasing.
But, but, but, if you naturally come across as awkward, anti-social, odd, abrasive, etc., then that same hobby or traits are held against you as a symbol of what a loser you are. You'll get crap about it and be told about how weird and lame and unhealthy it is. If you'd prefer not to be subjected to these kinds of judgments, I've found working on your people skills is a good way to avoid them.
Points in favor of being yourself
So improving your people skills doesn't mean you have to change. Another idea people get is that they should still change though, that they'd be more successful if they had a different personality and liked different things. They think they're being told to take up mainstream interests and create a persona that average people would approve of. I don't think that's the right way to go either.
You're going to be happier and more comfortable with who you are
This one is a no-brainer. Everyone has a different personality and certain things that they naturally gravitate to. Taking part in your true interests makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Trying to deny your innate passions makes you feel stifled and kills your spirit after too long.
Everyone can find a niche they fit into
Just as you naturally drift towards certain interests, people who are similar find each other as well. Whatever you're like, and whatever you're into, you can find a group of like-minded people to fall in with if you look hard enough. And since these people enjoy the same things you do and more or less accept you for who you are, you're going to be happier and less constrained around them.
It's often your individual differences that make you stand out
When you're with people to a large extent it's your differences that set you apart from everyone else and make you desirable to be around. Your sense of humor is a little bit different (and funnier) than your other friends'. You know more about a certain topic than everyone else. You have a different perspective on life. Yeah, people also like to be around friends who share commonalities with them, but we all appreciate someone who's different in a way we like. Don't get me wrong, fitting in has its place, but being totally generic and unoriginal isn't great.
Variety makes life more interesting
I know this sounds cheesy, but life would be more boring if we were all exactly the same. Getting to be around a range of different people makes socializing more unpredictable and rewarding. In small doses even people's personality flaws spice things up a bit. If someone is totally flaky or bossy, that's just irritating, but if they have mild versions of those same traits, it just adds a little color.
You can often get by just fine by being yourself
There are hoards of people out there who differ from their friends or partners in some way, but they're still perfectly accepted. Maybe their friends all like hockey but they're up front about not particularly caring about it. However, since they're solid people in lots of other ways, they're still welcomed into the group. As a general rule, the more you have to offer socially in other areas, the more you can get away with differing from the majority on some issues and still be accepted.
You can sometimes win people over by staying true to yourself
Sometimes everyone in a group will feel a certain way about something and the easy thing for you to do would be to pretend you feel the same way, maybe by omission. At times speaking up and saying you feel differently will earn you more respect. Even if they can't agree with you, they admire you for not deprecating your own beliefs.
Another example: Sometimes if you're talking to someone new, you may not be sure whether you should mention certain things about yourself, perhaps that you like reading about history. But sometimes you'll mention it and the other person will say they like history too, or tell you about their own closet interest. If you had never spoken up and tried to portray yourself as a typical person, you never would have gotten the chance to connect with the other person on that point.
Some of the best things in the world have come from people going their own way
There are hundreds of examples; in art, in science, in academic thought, in fashion. Someone went against the grain of the time and came up with something new and better. The only way they were able to do that is because they held an outsider, non-majority perspective. They may have drawn some disapproval, but they didn't care because their vision was more important than getting along with every last person socially.
There is a case to make for changing somewhat though. I cover it in the following article, the Yang to this one:
Sometimes Changing Yourself Can Increase Your Social Success
