Social Skills And Self-Help Advice That Hasn't Worked For Me
When my life wasn't in the best place I went through a lot of information in an attempt to solve my problems and make myself feel less desperate and unhappy. I didn't have much success with the following types of advice. This isn't to say I think the ideas below will never work for anyone, but they didn't do much for me. The reasons I give may help you avoid some detours in your own development. You'll notice most of the points below promise a fast or effortless solution.
Simple, profound insights or motivational snippets
I mean things like, "Imagine today was your last day on Earth, how would you act?", or "You just have to not care what other people think!", "How would you live if you had no fear of failure?"
The issue I have with this type of advice is not that what it's saying is flawed, but that it's often implied that it will instantly solve your problems, which is won't. For example, in the long term if you can cultivate an attitude where you don't care what people think of you, you'll be better off for it. But you can't just read, "Don't care what people think!", suddenly have everything fall into place, and walk away a new person. Not every author presents it like this, but I've read my share of articles where some simple insight is presented as the 'key' to fixing a complex problem.
I fell into the trap of perpetually searching for the magic insight that would instantly fix me. I'd read a simple, yet inspiring, piece of advice. It would psych me up and fill me with hope and excitement. I'd feel more energized and confident than normal. I'd feel like things were finally changing for me. But I never really did anything tangible. I felt like I could, but I never actually charged out the house and made a million friends or did the things I was afraid of.
Within a day or two the motivational high would wear off. I'd be back where I started, lonely and bored and still looking to change my situation. I'd resume reading through more self-help books until I got another fix. "This time it's different. That last insight totally changed the way I look at the world and at my problem." Once more I'd feel better for a day or two then return to the baseline. In hindsight, it really was like a drug. I even developed a tolerance to the psych up emotional high. In time I'd read a 'life changing' insight and be charged up for all of five minutes before I completely forgot about it.
The flaw here is that while things like confidence and the right attitude do play a big part in solving a lot of problems, you often need specific information and plans. You can't just get into the right mental state and expect that to magically take care of everything. Again, these attitudes themselves aren't wrong, but they take a long time to develop, and the real versions of them don't actually carry constant psyched-up feelings.
Keeping a journal
This ties into the previous point. On the whole, I think keeping a journal can be a good thing. They help you organize your thoughts and get your worries out on paper, where they can lose some of their edge. Personally though, the two times I kept journals, they made me into insight junkies. This time the insights were coming from me, not outside sources.
I'd be having a moment of feeling desperate and wanting to fix my life. So I'd crack open the journal and start writing. Thinking too much is one of my specialties, and it wasn't before long I'd arrive at some observation about my issues, which often seemed more profound and meaningful at the time than it actually was. For example, I may have written out that I didn't see people as fun, and that I just needed to see the fun in people. "Yes, that was it. It's so simple!!!" I'd get that cheap high, not change anything, and be my usual unhappy self two days later. With practice I could crank out these insights like they were nothing. They were a dime a dozen. Again, before long they stopped affecting me as strongly. Eventually I wised up and realized the wasn't a magic bullet out there.
Vague advice like "Be yourself" or "Just be confident" or "Just have fun"
The difference here is that this type of advice doesn't give you that cheap, fleeting boost in confidence. Well in some cases you may get that temporary high from it, but it's more meant to be a straight-forward guideline to follow. This stuff didn't work for me because I found it either too vague or too 'easier said than done'. You can interpret "Be Yourself" in two dozen different ways, some of them more helpful than others. And you can't just hit a switch in a your brain and be confident, it takes time.
This advice is sometimes given by people who can't think of anything better to say. Another factor is that many people who are socially savvy aren't very aware of exactly what it is they're doing to make themselves that way. It comes so naturally to them, and they've been doing it for so long, that they can't articulate it or break it down. They've never really thought about it. So if they do have to describe how they're so successful, they're likely to think something like, "Well, I don't know. I-I'm just confident. I have faith in myself, that's all... Yeah, that's it. Just be more confident."
Affirmations
You know, tell yourself that you're worthy, likeable, cool, handsome, etc. several times a day. In time, it goes, you'll mobilize your internal resources and make your dreams come to life. This is pretty classic advice. Personally, they did nothing for me. When I first read about affirmations in high-school I decided to give them a shot. I said several affirmations to myself, many times a day. I felt good, and psyched-up naturally. I kept it up for a few days before I started to neglect the odd self-affirmation here and there. Within a week I wasn't doing it at all anymore.
Later on I started learning about affirmations more, and came to the conclusion that they're not very useful. In theory the idea is stupid. How does telling yourself something make it so? How can you make something from nothing? More importantly, I've seen many other people say they've had no results from them. My hunch is that this is the kind of advice that has been repeated and regurgitated so long, that no one questions it anymore. It's kind of like how science textbooks have a reputation for being slow to catch up with current knowledge, because each new edition is mostly copied from the old one, without checking for new research.
Self-hypnosis
Yep, I've dipped my fingers in all kinds of places. I first learned about hypnosis in a university course and researched it more in my own time. When I read the claims of how I could effortlessly reprogram my mind, my interest perked up. I learned how to lie somewhere quiet and talk myself down into a state of deep relaxation. Once I felt fully self-hypnotized I repeated a few commands to myself. "I was confident. I wasn't insecure around people. I felt no fear talking to strangers", and so on. I did this every night for a week or so.
Can you guess what happened? You win if you said I felt psyched up for a few days, and like my problems were solved, before the feeling subsided without me actually accomplishing anything. You know what really ruined hypnotism for me? I read that it only works if you believe it will work. After that it was never the same.
Mirroring people to get rapport with them
I tried this and found it too distracting to concentrate on copying someone's body language. More importantly, it didn't seem to work. No one subconsciously fell into a powerful interpersonal rhythm with me. My conversations didn't go any better. My opinion on it is the same way I feel about affirmations: This advice never really worked, but it's been around so long lots of writers use it to pad out their, "Five Easy Ways To Get Along With People Better" articles without really thinking.
Coming up with 100 things to say in conversations
An article I've read a couple of times is, "Here are 50 ways to start conversations", or "Here are 25 statements that will make people like you." I've drafted some of these lists myself over the years for my own use. The problem? I never remember this stuff when it counts. Maybe I'll recall a statement or two during the first conversation I have after reading such a list, but after that, nothing. I find I just have to be able to come up with things on the spot in conversations. Plain old practice has improved my ability to do this.
Smile
Another piece of advice you'll see over and over if you read a lot about people skills. The idea is that sociable, confident people smile a lot, so you should smile more too to get a better reaction from people. Actually, I haven't even given this one a chance. The idea of making myself smile more just seems so forced and awkward to me. The logic also seems a little screwy. The fact that socially adjusted people smile often doesn't mean that smiling often will make you socially adjusted. But hey, I admit I could be wrong on this point.
Being interested in other people
More well-worn wisdom. Nothing wrong with it on it's own, but it hasn't worked for me in the sense of it being the single key to getting along with people. There are so many other factors that go into doing well socially.
