Some Tips On How To Be Less Quiet In Conversations
There are two main ways people can be quiet in conversations. The first is that they're feeling too physically anxious and self-conscious to speak up. The second is when someone is not particularly nervous, but they're hanging back, not saying much, and often feel like they can't think of a lot to talk about. There's overlap between the two of course. This article is about dealing with that second kind of quietness.
Some of the more deflating moments I've experienced in social situations are when people told me I was being quiet. There I was, thinking I was doing fine with everyone, but nope, they actually saw me in an entirely different way.
When you think about it though, it's not the end of the world to be called quiet. It's not like people think you're a horrible person, they probably just wish you'd chip into the discussion more, or they may worry you're not enjoying yourself. People naturally vary in how talkative they are. Many social groups have a few more quiet members who everyone still likes just fine.
Still, sometimes you want to make a good impression with everyone and seem like you're interested in the rest of the group. Especially when you've just met some new people, it's usually better to lean more towards the outgoing end of the scale. Getting that 'quiet' label can work against those plans. Quiet types may also be more vulnerable to falling below people's radars and unintentionally getting left out of things.
Here are some simple strategies I came up with that help me be less quiet and come up with things to say:
Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often
When you don't speak up and chime into the conversation enough, you may be seen as quiet. One thing that works for me is to make an explicit rule in my head that I have to say something at least every few minutes, preferably more. If not, I know people may perceive me as quiet. It seems basic, but when I spell it out to myself like this, it forces me to continually try to add new points to the discussion. Before realizing this, I'd hang back and listen to everyone, and take everything in, but sometimes go ten minutes or more without uttering a word. Or I'd get lost in my head and get distracted by my own thoughts and daydreams. You can't do that. You have to talk more often than it feels like you do. Consciously knowing this helps you do it.
When you're new to a group of people who all know each other, this rule especially applies. The onus is often on you to get yourself into their conversation. They may all be comfortable with each other, and benignly neglect to actively include you.
Elaborate on the things you have to say
If it's your turn to talk, instead of saying "Fine" or "Good" or "Yeah", flesh out your answer. Give your opinion. Go into detail about you did on the weekend. Say more about the TV show you just mentioned. Without rambling on, try to stretch out your turn to speak. Sometimes when I catch myself not knowing what to say, I'll realize I can just go into more detail about the material I already put out there. If you really want to get fancy, see how entertaining or intriguing you can make your expanded statements.
Don't filter yourself too much when trying to think of something to say
Often when I feel like I can't think of anything to say, there are actually lots of potential conversation topics passing through my mind. But instead of going with them, I nix them for one reason or another; "No, I can't say that. It's too boring.", "No, that's too out of the blue.", "Oh, I'm kind of nervous saying that, though I couldn't tell you why." Instead of censoring yourself too much, just spit out some of the ideas passing through your mind.
Don't fret too much about saying generic things
I've read a lot of advice telling me not to bore people with cliched, unoriginal conversation topics. This has sunk in so much that sometimes I'll find myself paralyzed in social situations. I'll meet someone new and not say anything to them because I think it's a huge faux pas to ask them something uninspired, like where they work.
Just say this stuff anyways. Something is better than nothing. Often, dull questions like, "What do you do for fun?", or "Seen any good movies lately?" get the ball rolling. Soon enough you're talking about something more interesting. They can be a necessary evil, a reliable, if tiresome, fallback. When people ask me questions I've heard the answer to a million times before, I'm not always crazy about it, but don't hold it against them either. Ideally you can avoid boring topics, but if you can't think of anything else to say, then go with them as opposed to being quiet.
Pay attention and keep up with the conversation going on around you
Put this one under "Basic concepts I used to not always follow." It's always easier to come up with things to say when you really follow along with what everyone else is saying. It's much more likely that something relevant you can add will pop into your head. Before I was a lot more likely to zone out and disappear into my head. Conversations can also be a bit annoying to follow at times, like if everyone is talking at once, or if the environment is loud. Sometimes it feels easier to give up and not devote your full attention to it. I find it's usually worth the effort to keep engaged. It's also something you can get used to if you initially find it difficult.
Learn the unwritten rules of loud, lively conversations
I have an easier time holding my own in smaller, orderly groups. When you add more people to the mix, and everyone starts talking at once, I have a harder time putting in my two cents. A lot of people probably experience the same thing. If you haven't seen it already, I wrote another article about just this topic:
How To Do Better In Loud, Crazy Group Conversations
Take the lead in the conversation if it's not going your way
Often I'll be quiet because the people I'm with are discussing something where I have zero to add, usually because I know nothing about the topic. If that goes on too long, then I'm suddenly the quiet one. If the conversation isn't going your way, try to take the lead and switch it to an area where you'll naturally have more to talk about.
More generally, if the other people are talking among themselves, and aren't making an effort in include you, you should take the initiative and try to work your way in there. There's no rule that says you politely have to wait for someone to directly address you and ask your opinion on something.
Sometimes you just can't come up with something to say
These tips continue to help me, but at times my mind draws a blank. When you can't think of something to say, it's often due to shyness and inhibition interfering with your ability to think freely, and reducing these feelings is easier said than done. You can't just logically reason anxious feelings away. Sometimes the shy feelings are temporary and you can ride them out. At other times you feel shy all night and that outing is a write off.
The other usual explanation is when you honestly have nothing to contribute to the conversation (e.g., everyone is talking about old friends they have in common), and it's not appropriate to try and suddenly change it. But here everyone should at least understand that you can't be expected to be too chatty. Try to say something though when the topic changes.
If you do come off as quiet, do better next time
It's not unusual for someone to be a little tongue-tied around a new group of people. If you do better next time, then people will often forget their first impression of you. They'll realize you aren't a snob after all, or that you aren't meek and boring, and that you're actually a pretty interesting person to have around.
