Thoughts On Small Talk, Gossip, And Being Interested In Other People

This article will cover three aspects of conversation that get discussed fairly often when people start talking about interpersonal skills. The first is the issue of small talk. The second is gossip, which some folks find distasteful when it seems that's all everyone goes on about. The third is the common tip that a good way to make conversation is to be interested in other people and let them do a lot of the talking.

Small talk

Small talk gets a bad rap. I often read advice telling me to avoid it if possible, that people find it boring (especially less social types), and that I should be discussing deeper, more meaningful topics. Many people who want to do better socially dislike it themselves. They give it as one of the main reasons they don't like talking to other people more.

I've got my own opinions of course, but first I have to say that there's not one neat definition of what small talk is. To some people it mostly means those standard, back-and-forth getting to know you type questions; "Where do you work?", "What are you taking in school?", and whatnot. To other people 'small talk' entails discussing mundane things just for the sake of speaking about something. Others think of it encompassing any shallow, pointless, non-deep topics. Talking about a T.V. show that was on last night is an example.

Rather than give an overall view of small talk, I'll discuss it in terms of each of these definitions:

Small talk as formulaic 'getting to know you' questions

These need no introduction. Everyone has experienced the boring, rote, passionless conversations that these questions can create. Every so often they're not so bad, but if you tell the same five things about yourself to several people over the course of a night, you can quickly grow annoyed and bitter.

Overall, your conversations will probably go better if you can skip these questions and jump right into a more interesting topic. Why revert to asking what someone does for a living when it's obvious you both read the same book the other week and want to talk about it? You don't really need to know the 'resume information' about someone right off the bat to click with them. And if you do hit it off with them, it will only be natural that you'll want to know that stuff at a later time anyways.
If nothing else though, these questions are a safe, easy fallback. If you hit a pause in the conversation, or you're not sure what to say initially, you can ask one of the standard questions. Everyone has a hard time thinking of what to say at some point.
In the past I've felt paralyzed around new people because I was afraid to ask them boring, unoriginal questions because of all the advice I'd read warning me not to. Instead I said nothing. Now I think that saying something is better than nothing. At the very least you're talking to them and showing an interest, instead of appearing quiet or standoffish. May as well take a shot and risk being thought of as boring.
Ideally, asking someone about their job or where they went to school should lead to an interesting conversation on that area, or the person's answers should provide a springboard to go to another topic. It doesn't always work out that way though, hence this type of small talk's bad reputation.
Asking cliched questions is a safe, predictable way to get the conversational ball rolling. You don't have to think too hard about it, just ask someone where they work and hope things go up from there quickly.
In my experience, 'getting to know you' conversations aren't universally bad. If you like someone and are interested in them, you're happy to learn what their college major was. When this type of questioning is more intolerable is when you're not very keen to talk to someone in the first place, and you don't really care about them as a person. In these cases, them asking you boring questions is like rubbing salt on the wound.
If you find yourself getting barraged with boring questions, one escape is to give more detailed, elaborate answers. If you give short responses the other person has nothing to go on, and will tend to ask yet another dull question because they don't have anything else to say. But if you say something more meaty, they can work from that and take the conversation into more stimulating territory.

Small talk as discussing mundane topics just to speak

You're sitting around with your coworkers over lunch. You're friendly with each other but don't always have a ton of things in common. No one can think of what to say for a few moments. Then the predictable, "So how about that weather?"

In general if you like someone's company you'd rather talk about nothing with them than opt out of socializing all together. Sometimes you're more there to kick back in each other's presence, and the light content of your conversation doesn't really matter.
It's hard to think of something to say all the time. Sometimes people talk about mundane things because they honestly can't think of anything better to say at the moment, but they want to keep the conversation going.
Honestly, talking about the weather or some topic that's been beaten to death can be strained and tedious. But it just happens every now and then. If you push through it it'll be over soon. There's always going to be smooth and bumpy patches.
Sometimes if no one is talking, one person will introduce a mundane topic as a conversational jump start. They realize what they're saying is trite, but it will get everyone chatting again. You can say the boring thing in a self-knowing exaggerated, joking way to let everyone know you're really saying, "Let's talk more."
Usually people are happy to talk about mundane things with their friends or those they like. Like the last point, these conversations feel more painful when you'd rather not be around the people you're talking to in the first place.
Conversations aren't just about the topic, but what you do with it. A group of people who have a fun, joking rapport with each other can have a great time chatting about a trivial T.V. show or news item. Two dull, boring people can have a lifeless, awkward talk about the most interesting field.
I found that as my own social skills improved, it become more inherently rewarding to make small talk about nothing. I had the tools to find it enjoyable on that second, non-content level. I realize that in the past, I didn't hate small talk itself, but just unpleasant small talk that was a struggle for me to take part in.

Small talk as shallow, superficial conversation

My main thought on this is that you can't always talk about deep topics. For one it's not always appropriate or something the other person will be interested in. Second, you won't always be in the mood yourself. At times you just want something light and amusing. Anything too serious or thought-provoking may drain you. Third, there really aren't enough deep things to talk about at any one time. A lot of life is day-to-day trivialities. A lot of conversation with friends or acquaintances is catching up on each other's lives or local issues or dumb joking around. It's often fun to have companionship in this way though.

Also, some people think they don't like superficial talk, but what they really mean is they don't like superficial talk about topics they personally find boring, with people they can't relate to. But they'd be totally keen to casually chat about things they're interested in, or to goof around with their friends in a way that speaks to their sense of humor. No one really wants to be deep and serious 24/7.

Gossip

Sometimes people complain that it seems all everyone else wants to do is gossip. They personally find it dull or distasteful and feel left out as a result. I think you can make a distinction between gossiping and just talking about other people when they're not around.

I remember being younger and hearing that you should never talk about other people behind their backs. So in the future whenever I was around people who were discussing someone else's flaws or something they did, I immediately slapped them with the Evil Gossiper label. You know the story, with more experience I came to see things as being more complicated.

I think there's a difference between passive-aggressively tearing someone down, or being addicted the latest scandalous tidbit, and just talking about someone else's negative traits or actions. The second may not be perfect, but it's going to come up from time to time. We're around other people constantly, and some of these interactions aren't going to be positive. We naturally want to go over these situations with other people.

As an example, if a member of a group of friends dumps his girlfriend, moves back in with his parents, and develops a drug problem, there's no way the people who know him aren't going to want to talk about it. How could they not? Many times this will be out of concern or a desire to come to grips with why he's acting the way he is. Even if they do get a cheap thrill out of the news on some level, it's understandably human. Or you may be close to someone who suddenly starts acting rude and erratic towards you. It's natural that you go to your other friends to talk/complain about why this person has changed so suddenly. Or someone could just get drunk and do something hilarious and embarrassing. The news will probably spread quickly, and everyone will get a rush out of hearing it, but the intent is more good-natured teasing than vindictiveness. I wouldn't consider any of that gossip.

Then there is the stuff that fits the gossip definition more closely - when you're just passing the time exchanging little items of drama and scandal with other people, perhaps taking pleasure in seeing others screw up. I don't think this is perfect, but I think it's just something people do from time to time. Within reason it's fine to wear the gossiper hat occasionally. I wouldn't focus on it as yet another way in which you are different from the 'average' person. It's just the conversational equivalent of reading People magazine or watching dumb shows on T.V. Sometimes people just want some light, trashy entertainment. As long as they don't take anything they hear too seriously it's another way to pass the time.

Listening and being interested in other people to be good at conversation

A piece of conversational advice I've heard countless times is that one way to do well in talking to people is to be interested in others, be a good listener, and let them do most of the talking. The idea is that other people will appreciate someone who is interested in them more than someone who tries to be interesting themselves. It's right out of How to Win Friends & Influence People. I have to question this supposed timeless wisdom.

I think my main concern with it comes from an exchange I've seen several times on message boards. Someone will post saying they're shy and often struggle to make conversation with people. Several people will respond with, "Just be interested in people and be a good listener. Get them talking." I always get the sense that this answer is more a reflexive, default response than anything. Then the original poster will say something like, "Really? So to be good at talking to people you just have to listen to them?". I always get the sense they're thrilled to have learned a possible conversational cheat code. They don't have to talk at all! They just have to listen, occasionally ask a follow up question and they're off the hook. They get to seem like a great, likable conversationalist without having to do anything! Oh, if only it was that easy.

First, in my experience this advice just isn't true at times. Many people don't want to do most of the talking. I'm often drawn to people who are interesting themselves. For many people, someone just being a good listener doesn't carry a ton of value. They're instead drawn to other things like someone's ability to come up with funny jokes or tell good stories. Not everyone will love you just for being a interested in them. If someone seems overly interested in me I may think they're sucking up.
However, I think this advice can work quiet well if the other person naturally wants to talk about something, and you're interested in what they have to say. In this case your sitting back and listening can make you a good conversational partner.
Sometimes you'll even run into someone who will be absolutely flattered and delighted if you seem interested in them. The advice works here too, but again, this doesn't happen with every person you met.
Also, sometimes a person will be having a problem in their lives and need someone to talk to. If you're a good listener for them they may appreciate it. But this doesn't always carry over into them liking you more as a person overall. Sometimes people will 'use' others for their listening when they need it, intentionally or unintentionally.
This advice breaks down in group conversations. Here you're much more likely to be perceived as plain old quiet. Everyone will be too focused on what the others are saying to notice that you're being a good listener. And the flavor of conversation will be different. It will probably be more irreverent or a discussion of a topic, not one person going on about something they're interested in.
Overall, this advice isn't a miracle cure for conversational awkwardness and it won't work in all situations. There are many more possible dynamics than 'One person wants to talk and have others interested in them.' I think it is a good tool to have in your kit for certain scenarios though.