My Take On Social Skills And How To Improve Them

One of the main reasons I put this site up is that when I was struggling with my own social ineptitude I couldn't find a lot of the information I felt I needed. Whether through a Google search or in various books, the advice on social skills always seemed too basic or not relevant to what I was looking for. Most of it fit into these categories:

Teaching social skills to children - (taking turns, sharing, etc.) obviously more basic than I needed.
Teaching social skills to people with specific difficulties like behavioral problems or autistic disorders - again, more basic than I needed.
Advice on things like smiling, body language, and listening.
Simple scripts for making small talk.
Advice on assertiveness, arguing properly, and persuasion.
Advice geared towards getting along in the business world.

While this wasn't useless, it frustrated me because I largely already knew this stuff and it didn't encompass all of what social skills seemed to entail. I was looking for information on more complex topics like how to make friends, how to manage relationships with people, and how to be more likable in general.

It's not that this information is some big secret, it's just that it's largely unwritten and most people assume you know it already. Since I took a slightly different path through life I missed out on the opportunities to learn it naturally. When I realized how important it was to know, I had piece together the answers on my own. In the end I had all this information that I was pretty sure would be helpful to other guys who were like the past version of me. As far as I knew no one else had written some of this stuff down anywhere so I decided to take a shot at it myself and put this site up.

My mini-definition of social skills

This is how I think of social skills. This isn't a psychology journal article so I won't try to make a perfect, all-encompassing definition, just the one that helps me get my head around the topic:

Social skills allow you to achieve your goals in the social world.
They allow you to so in a manner that makes interacting with you harmonious and pleasant to the other person/people. Often this involves following unwritten rules and expectations about how people should to act.
They involve having specific knowledge, but are also influenced by your attitude and overall personality.

If you think of someone who you would consider as having bad social skills, you probably thought that way because they acted in a manner that was overtly annoying or unsettling to people. For example:

Saying offensive, inappropriate things.
Being too selfish and focused on themselves.
Being argumentative.
Being overly weird and unpredictable.
Not being able to take a hint.
Not responding to people's questions in anything close to an appropriate manner.

All these behaviors upset the happy flow of the interaction. They break rules such as 'don't insult people' or throw the other person out of whack by doing something they don't expect. I think of it like playing a game with someone. If they follow the rules and play fairly well then you have fun. But if they break the rules or play terribly it's vaguely irksome and you'd choose to play with someone else in the future.

Someone with good social skills leaves others feeling happy and satisfied. My idea of someone with great social skills isn't a slick, smooth salesman type, but rather someone who is genuinely friendly, personable, interesting, and likeable.

Sometimes their goal won't jive with another person's but a socially savvy and a socially inept person will go about achieving it in different ways. For example, if they have to disagree with someone, a socially unskilled person may do so in a manner that makes the other person feel defensive, insulted, or attacked. A more savvy individual would get their point across but do so in a more diplomatic way that spares the other person's feelings and keeps their relationship intact.

Some reasons I can think of for having underdeveloped social skills

Most people follow a typical course through life and naturally pick up their interpersonal skills along the way. There are lots of reasons someone may not accumulate the necessary social experience they need when they're younger. Thinking back over my own past, my top reasons for not eventually developing good social skills were:

I liked being alone.
I wasn't interested in the things most of the other kids cared about.
I was a reserved, inhibited, wimpy kid.
I was sort of weird.
Later on I became overly sensitive and insecure.

Some other ones could be:

Having bad social skills role models.
Moving around a lot as a kid.
Coming from a rough or unsupportive environment.
Experiencing a childhood tragedy that damages your self-confidence (e.g., a parent dies).
Having some sort of physical difference or disability that makes other kids reject you.
Having an anxiety disorder.
Having a behavioral problem that both makes you act in an unpleasant manner, and also causes other kids reject you (e.g., ADHD).
Having a learning disability (they commonly impact social skills).
Having an autistic spectrum disorder such as Asperger's Syndrome.

Some basic pointers for improving your social skills

Here's what I did. These are all pretty much common sense:

Dive right in

Immerse yourself in the social world and polish your skills through practice, experience, and observation. Let the social world smooth out your rough edges. Pretty much any kind of social exposure can be helpful. Even hanging around your siblings more could help if you implement the pointers below.

Hang around good models, don't let yourself be influenced by bad models

Pick out some people who you think have good people skills and try to learn what you can from them. At the same time try not to pick up any bad habits from people who you think have less-than-great interpersonal abilities (e.g., that abrasive guy who know who starts arguments with people about religion). Accept that people you may not be crazy about at the moment could still have things to teach you (e.g., that guy at work that rubs you the wrong way but who other people all seem to like). No one person is perfect. Don't put anyone up on a pedastal or think they have all the answers. Emulate their good traits, but don't imitate the dumb things they do in some quest to become just like them.

Put some kind of priority on improving in this area

There's only so much time in a day/week/month. If you choose to spend too much of that time doing something else, then you can't expect your social skills to get better. There may be certain activities you have to cut down on or re-schedule in order to make the time to work on your people skills. You may have to do things you aren't totally keen about at the time to make long-term changes. One of the reasons my social skills got so far behind in the first place is that my natural tendencies drew me towards pastimes that didn't let me develop socially (e.g., sitting around at home playing video games). I had to go against my preferences at points in order to make progress.

Be aware of how you're coming across to other people

Pay attention to how people react to what you're doing. This could take the form of their non-verbal communication, their actions, or even direct feedback (e.g., "Man, you're weird sometimes...", "You're a cool guy"). You need to have some level of self awareness here. Without an accurate idea of how you come off to other people, you'll never make any progress. I think the classic example of a non-self aware person is the bitter, flawed guy who thinks he's a good catch and constantly complains about women not appreciating him.

If something is working then improve it. If something isn't working then revise your approach

Self-explanatory. Again, self awareness, and the ability to see the world through a non-distorted perspective, is necessary.

Be dispassionate and objective about improving yourself

If you do something wrong then don't beat yourself up and conclude that you're a loser for all time. Note what you did wrong and do better next time. Be non-defensive and open-minded about areas where you could improve. Don't fool yourself about how much or little you need to change.

Accept the wisdom of other people as a whole when it comes to what constitutes good social skills

Have the view that within any society/culture/subculture there exists some sort of objective standard about what good social skills entail, and that other people as a whole have a good idea of what that is. When other people give you feedback on your social skills believe they are trying to guide you towards that standard of what a socially adept person is. There are times to go against the grain of course, but accept that for the most part other people mean well and that it's beneficial for you to go with the flow instead of resisting it.

Consult informative resources whenever possible

I think this site is helpful obviously but it's hardly the only good source of advice out there. Learn whatever you can and eliminate as much trial-and-error as possible.