Ways People Can Unintentionally Leave Friends Out Of Social Events
As my own social skills got better, one overall theme that emerged was that things I had previously chalked up to others being mean or shallow were really just harmless misunderstandings on my part, or benign thoughtlessness from people. One area where I think this can happen a lot is when someone is unintentionally left out of a get together. They weren't invited, or didn't hear about it in time, but their was no harm meant by not including them.
Of course when you're the one who didn't hear about a great party until Monday morning it's not hard to feel bad about yourself and wonder why you weren't invited. Especially if you're already feeling socially awkward and out of the loop, it's easy to think insecure, self-deprecating thoughts. More socially at ease people usually shrug these things off and understand they happen from time to time. It's tricky to give the exact reason a person gets overlooked in any one specific situation, but in general here are some ways people can be unintentionally left out of a group activity:
They were invited, but assumed they weren't
There are true cliques that are closed off and exclusive. There are also groups of people who like each other's company and spend a lot of time together, and who some just assume are cliquey. They're just close friends though, and aren't looking to exclude anybody. They'll happily accept new members into the group, but some people don't try because they think they'll be turned away. Maybe the group is a bit intimidating in the sense that they all seem so comfortable with each other and have all these in-jokes going, but again, they're not against anyone else joining in.
This leads to these crossed wire scenarios where each side makes faulty assumptions about what the other is thinking, and the end result is the opposite of what everyone actually wants. For example, everyone in a "clique", maybe at an office job, is having lunch and saying, "Why doesn't Nicole ever come join us? She'd be fun to have around. She has to know she's welcome any time." Meanwhile Nicole is eating elsewhere with one other person, stewing about how snobby the clique is and how they never invite her over.
When it comes to social events you can get similar misunderstandings. Everyone will be sitting around someone's apartment saying, "Why didn't Eric come out tonight? He knows he's invited, right? I'm sure he was around when we were all talking about it." And in Eric's mind he sees himself as the odd man out who no one really likes.
The plan was spontaneous. The people making it didn't think to invite anyone else
Sometimes a plan is hatched on the spot. Three friends could be out at a restaurant and suddenly decide to go clubbing later that night. Just the three of them go out and don't contact anyone else to bring them on board. When the photos of their Saturday night appear on Facebook though, it's easy to think, "Well why wasn't I invited to that? What's wrong with me?"
The people only made the plan with the friends they ran into in person
Within a larger group of friends certain subgroups of people are more likely to spend time together day to day. Maybe they all work at the same job, or have a bunch of classes together. When they come up with a social event, they may have talked about it when they were all in person, and fleshed out the details then. Then, with the plan set for everyone who was there in person, they didn't really tell anyone else. It wasn't that they had anything against their other friends, they just didn't let them know for whatever reason.
A plan was made amoung a few friends, who were then lazy or forgetful about getting other people into the loop
It's the 'benign thoughtlessness instead of malevolence' idea again. Sometimes a bunch of people will make a plan, say "Let's all meet in the park on Saturday afternoon", and then just not get around to letting everyone else know. They already know they're coming, and that at least some of their friends will be there, and things will be fun even with just that group, so they're not super motivated to get the word out to every last person in their social circle. This is particularly true if someone's group of friends is pretty big. They can't realistically tell a ton of people about every thing they do.
It's just feels like too much work to let everyone know about the plan
Similar to the point above, sometimes some friends will make a plan, and realize it would be good to invite more people, but after a point the idea starts to feel like too much work. If there are ten other people you could potentially invite, the idea of texting all of them, and then texting back and forth about what time it starts, how to get to so-and-so's place, "No I don't think we can start later", "Uh... yeah, maybe we can make it a potluck, let me check with everyone else", and so on can seem unappealing. You can think maybe it's easier to just leave things the way they are, or maybe hope someone else spreads the word to everyone else.
People meant to invite them, but their was a mix up
Sometimes in the hecticness of planning an event, especially one with a fair number of guests, people can fall by the wayside. Maybe the person's name accidently got left out of a mass text/email/Facebook invite. It's also possible that several friends each thought someone else was going to tell that person, and as a result no one ended up doing it.
The people making the plan didn't want a bigger outing, so they stopped inviting people once the main group was settled on
Larger social events have a different flavour and dynamic to them. Sometimes they're fun, but at other times when people are planning a get together they have something smaller and more low key in mind. That, or it's the type of event where having more than a certain number of people makes things unwieldy. However it is the few attendees are decided on - maybe they were just around to get invited at the right time, or were the ones who made the plan in the first place - no one else is invited after that. Again, nothing personal against them, the planners just had a certain type of event in mind.
Once someone has their invitation, they don't really go around alerting everyone else
Someone may have not planned a social gathering, but once they know about it they don't really see it as their responsibility to make sure everyone is in the loop about it. Although it's probably not even conscious, their thought process is: "I found out about it, I know I'm coming, and it's everyone else's own responsibility to stay in the loop if they'd be interested in something like this as well.
People don't feel like mixing their groups of friends
The idea of mixing different groups of friends is a whole other topic in itself, but for now sometimes when people make a plan it's amoung one group only, their work friends for example. Of course they still like their friends from other circles, but see it as too much hassle to try and combine them all for this particular outing.
The idea of mixing groups could also extend to something as simple as some friends wanting a girl's or guy's night out. Here it's easy to see that it's nothing against you if you're not invited to something because you're the opposite gender.
