When You Feel Like You Just Don't Like People

Some folks will tell you they "don't like people". They may say that to explain why they're prickly or don't have any friends. I've got my take on the topic, but first some preamble to clarify what I want to focus on:

People can mean several things by the phrase

If someone claims they don't like people, they could really be saying:

• "I have a low opinion of the average person. I think they're dumb, inconsiderate, irrational, selfish, shallow, and so on."
• "I'm not that social by nature. I don't need a ton of friends."
• "I'm choosy about who I want to be friends with. I don't have much in common with most people. They have little to offer me."
• "I like my alone time. My batteries get drained around people quickly. I get grumpy if I have to be around them too long."
• "I dislike a specific kind of person, like the irritating customers I have to deal with all day."

The idea can also express a range of moods, some heavier than others

A few people could say they "hate everyone" with totally different emotions behind it. Three rough levels of seriousness are:

• Light comic exaggeration - For example, "I was getting groceries this morning and this couple was just standing in the middle of the pasta aisle talking and blocking the way. Seriously, I hate everyone." There's still an element of being miffed at how people can be thoughtless, but they're mostly playing up their anger to be colorful.
• General wariness, cynicism, or frustration toward people - E.g., "Ugh, I've been trying to make friends in this city, but everyone's so flaky. I hate everyone." They're not mad exactly, more disappointed, irritated, or unimpressed.
• True anger, bitterness, and resentment - E.g., "I hate everyone. People are vapid morons. You can't count on them for anything." - There's real vitriol behind their words. You can tell they really mean it when they say they dislike people.

This article will focus on when people say they don't like anyone and mean it more seriously

Lots of folks casually joke that they don't like people, but there isn't a ton of ill will behind it. Maybe they're picky about who they hang around, and shake their head at the public or voters in general, or are happy they moved away from their small-minded town after high school, but there are plenty of individuals they like and respect. They're more or less cheerful.

Other people say they hate everyone and they're coming from a more hostile, guarded, wounded place. They've been hurt and let down one time too many. Their view of the average member of society is quite low. Their anger and distrust toward everyone may be uncomfortable to live with day to day, and get in the way of their relationships. I'll share more thoughts about that mentality:

If you say you don't like anyone are your feelings valid? Is humanity actually terrible?

Some people will angrily say they don't like anyone, and, whether they're conscious of it or not, they want to be validated. They want to be told, "You're right. People are awful. They are cruel, stupid, and superficial. It's not all in your head." On the other hand, what they really don't want to be told is, "You're wrong to think that way. Lots of people are lovely and amazing. You're just bitter because of your own baggage."

I believe the bland neutral, objective truth is that there are good and bad people in the world. A handful are pure hearted saints or irredeemable monsters. The rest are in the middle, with a range of positive and negative qualities. Sometimes as a collective they make idiotic decisions, at other times they pull together and do great things.

I think if you claim all people are bad, that's not true and easy enough to disprove. But most misanthropes aren't arguing that. They have a sense that the balance is skewed toward most people being bad, that enough of them are useless that the whole lot aren't worth bothering with.

Subjectively, things are harder to pin down. Everyone has lived a different life, and has experienced their own separate reality about how good or nasty humans are. Some people get dealt a bad hand. When they're growing up, and often still as adults, they're exposed to more unpleasant people and the ugly side of humanity. For example:

• At home, they have abusive or neglectful parents, siblings, and relatives
• At school their classmates reject, mock, and bully them. Teachers, coaches, and other staff are no help, and unsupportive and biased against them too
• In their larger community they notice their neighbors, staff at businesses, and the police are suspicious and hostile toward them
• Through the media they quickly learn that society looks down on people like them, or acts as if they don't exist
• Once they're old enough to get a job, things are no better there. Their co-workers are unfriendly, and their bosses hold them to unfair standards

A lot of this could be because they're a member of a long-oppressed group, or everyone could treat them badly because they're seen as "weird" and "off putting" in their own unique way.

You can also imagine someone going through the opposite: They have a loving family. They just happen to have traits their peers admire and respect, and were always well-liked and popular at school. They're part of a privileged demographic, and generally trusted and treated well.

To someone with a rough childhood, who's been mistreated and disrespected their whole life, it may as well be objectively true that people aren't worth liking. That reality has been reinforced thousands of times. They may intellectually understand some people are nice, but it rings hollow emotionally. Similarly, to someone who's had a comfortable upbringing, it feels as obvious as the sky being blue that lots of people are decent and kind. They've had that drilled home over years and years.

Mental biases can keep a negative worldview intact

What's extra unfair is that once someone's decided whether people are mostly bad, their mind can unintentionally reinforce that opinion. These are unconscious processes, so I'm not trying to victim blame anyone here.

The first way it does that is through Confirmation Bias. That's humans' natural tendency to accept information that matches their existing views, and to dismiss anything that goes against them. If you believe people are dumb and self-centered you'll tend to notice and remember all the times they act that way. You'll tend to ignore or explain away the instances where they're rational or selfless.

An insidious version of confirmation bias can affect lonely, socially isolated people when they spend a lot of time online, and don't have a ton of positive real life interactions. Online it's easy for someone to create an echo chamber that shores up their views. Regardless of where they get their news, what they see will probably be slanted toward negative, upsetting stories. People tend to be more rude and toxic on the internet. All in all, someone can end up mainly interacting with the rest of humanity in this abstract, distant way where everyone seems irredeemable.

A second psychological phenomenon is the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. That's when someone has a preconceived notion of how another person will behave, and they unconsciously act in a way that brings about the behavior they expect. If someone's misanthropic they can come across as aloof, touchy, and defensive. The people they talk to pick up on their grouchy attitude and respond coldly. The misanthrope then tells themselves, "I knew it! People suck! No one's ever friendly to me."

Many people don't like hearing about social self-fulfilling prophecies because it seems like victim blaming. It's not. As I said, it's not done on purpose. Also, two things can be true at once: Someone could have been legitimately mistreated their whole life, and have perfectly valid reasons for being wary around others. Also, their hostile vibes can cause them to be rejected even more. It's horribly unjust that the universe works this way, that people's issues compound like this when they're already down, but it does happen.

Saying you don't like people can be an attempt to make yourself feel better about your social struggles

No, this isn't the deepest, most shocking insight. I think some people who feel like they hate everyone do want friends and meaningful relationships. They may be hurt, discouraged, or conflicted about the whole idea, but they still desire closer connections deep down. They may also feel broken and hopeless about their chances of ever having a proper social life. Saying they don't actually like people can take some of that pain away. They're telling themselves they don't care about what they think they can't have.

I'm sure a minority of misanthropes truly have no use for other people, and aren't just trying to fool themselves. If they want to do their own thing and not worry about socializing, that's their call to make. I don't think anyone has to be social if it's just not in their nature.

So what can you do if you don't like people?

One option is not to do anything. If you're mildly misanthropic, but it doesn't cause you that much distress, and you're still able to have some meaningful relationships, and you can keep your feelings to yourself and not be blatantly rude to anyone, I don't think you need to change. We're all a little down on our fellow man at times. The fact is some people are annoying and idiotic. It's perfectly reasonable to not love everyone.

If you want to hold onto your worldview, but still haven't found the right friends, this article may help: How To Make Friends When You Don't Like People

It's also possible you don't like feeling so bitter at people all the time and want to change. You understand how your life up until this point has made you hate everyone, but you see there's an alternative. This is a more involved process, and going into detail about each of the steps is too much for this article, but here's an overview:

• Know that the goal is not to start blindly thinking every last person is amazing. That would be naive and foolish. It's to develop a more balanced view of people, where you can appreciate that at least some of them are alright.
• Work to heal and process all the negative past experiences you've had, which are feeding your bitterness about people. This is not about invalidating what happened to you, condoning or forgiving anyone's behavior, or dismissing the real ways people can still be terrible. It's about healing old scars, so you're not carrying around so many painful old emotions day to day. It's so you can judge present day events through level headed adult eyes, and not have your perception be clouded by past wounds.
• Build up healthy, rewarding relationships in the present, so you can viscerally experience that some people can be great and supportive, and start to shift your "reality" about what they're like. Again, that doesn't cancel out all the times other people mistreated you. It's about developing that more balanced perspective.

I realize getting over your baggage is easier said than done. If you've been abused throughout your life you're not going to become warm and trusting tomorrow. Working through what you've been through may take years. But once you're on the other side you'll be able to see everyone in a more even-handed way.

Related articles

These articles talk about some closely-related topics. First, disliking people sometimes goes hand-in-hand with an attitude that you're better than others:

Is Falsely Believing You're Better Than People Holding You Back Socially?

This one may help diffuse a general sentiment that other people are shallow and vacuous on the whole:

Other People Often Aren't As Shallow As They Seem

Sometimes it's not so much that you outright dislike people, as you have trouble feeling interested in them:

When You Don't Feel Interested In People And What They Have To Say

Finally, feeling really down on other people may be a symptom of depression, which can make your thoughts become really negative and self-sabotaging:

When Depression Is A Factor In Your Loneliness And Social Problems