Is Thinking You're Better Than Other People Holding You Back Socially?

One sentiment I consistently see coming from people who are having social difficulties is, "Other people suck. I feel like I'm on a different level than them." They'll be describing how they have trouble making friends on a message board, and they'll throw statements like that into their post. Of course, people really aren't as bad as you may think they are.

I used to feel down on other people myself. The ironic thing is I probably had thoughts like these when I was at my worst off socially. Some socially awkward people are really sensitive and insecure and feel they're nobodies and that everyone else is so great. Others have a more negative attitude towards other people. It comes in a few flavors:

Having a false sense of being better than other people

There are two sides to this. One is thinking there's something about you that sets you above other people. You think you're smarter, deeper, different, or that you have better beliefs and priorities than them. The other side is seeing everyone else as this uniform mass of dumb, shallow, mainstream sheep. You feel like you can't relate to other people, like you're cut off from them, and like you're misunderstood and forced to walk your own path through life.

Being too picky about who you want to hang around, in a hostile way

One thing that can hurt your ability to make friends is to be too picky. Some people are too choosy in a fairly benign way. They have overly high standards, but don't hold any ill will towards people.

A more toxic form of pickiness is when you think everyone's an idiot. No matter who you meet, there's always something wrong with them and you never feel anyone is good enough that you'd want to hang around them, let alone be friends with them. You may think you want to have more friends, but whenever you meet new people, or consider the possibility of deepening a relationship with an acquaintance, you find something to make you think twice. No one's perfect, so if you're looking for a reason to write someone off, you'll always find it.

To some degree everyone feels a little above the crowd sometimes. The world really can be a stupid place, it may be human nature to tend to see yourself as mildly superior, and plenty of people go through a phase where they're down on society and other people for a while. However, I think the attitude I mentioned above goes beyond that. Here's my take on some of the dynamics behind this way of thinking:

Ego protection

This one isn't a stretch. Thinking you're above other people is a good way for your ego to defend itself from being damaged. It would sting to consider the possibility that you're not doing well socially because you have flaws and that you've been going about things the wrong way. It feels better to tell yourself things like:

Rejecting people before they reject you

This is another well-known point. Insecure people will often look for reasons to reject people, to preemptively protect themselves from the pain of being rejected themselves down the road. Their low self-esteem makes them certain that's inevitable. How could anyone like them? Being the one to do the rejecting allows them to save face in a way. Or maybe their insecurity makes them want to save other people the trouble of wasting their time on a loser like them.

Lack of perspective

Feeling superior is based on a lack of perspective. Are you probably "above" some people? Sure, but not almost everyone. It's easy to believe you're a different breed when you don't interact with them that much, or in a meaningful way. If you were around other people more you'd quickly accumulate evidence that you weren't the special flower you thought you were. You'd also quickly learn not everyone is some mindless consumer. Similarly, it's easy to be picky when you don't have many actual friends, and your overly high standards seem reasonable in your head. When you actually hang around the types of people you'd previously have turned away, you realize they're often perfectly fine, and that all the criteria you thought were so important really don't matter.

Relativity of being "better" than someone

Feeling that you're above other people is kind of a cheap source of self-esteem because the concept is so vague that anyone can build their own subjective case for why they're superior. They can cherry pick a trait (which they're strong in, naturally), decide it's the real indicator of 'betterness', and use that as evidence that they're above the masses. A smart person can tell themselves they're 'better' because they're intelligent. A non-intellectual person can say they're 'better' because they're down to earth and have street smarts instead of a head full of useless facts.


Give people a chance, and don't get too high on yourself

The point of this article isn't hard to figure out. Feeling arrogant, alienated, and falsely superior may make you feel better, but it will put a wedge between you and other people. If you give them the benefit of the doubt, you'll often find that many people are much more layered and intelligent than you might have thought at first. Here's an article that goes into more detail about the ways people may seem more shallow than they actually are.

Watch out for depression

I don't want to say to much about this because I'm not a psychologist, but if you're really sunk into a mentality of thinking everyone and the world is crap, it's possible that may be a sign that you're depressed. When your mood is like that it can make you feel really grumpy and negative about everything. Just something to consider.