What To Do If You Can't Relate To All The Shallow People Out There

A relatively common complaint you'll hear from socially struggling types is that they feel they can't relate to most people. It seems to them like everyone else is only interested in shallow, mindless activities. They say things like, "Why doesn't anyone want to discuss 'deeper' issues like philosophy, life, or society? Why am I the only one with priorities other than drinking, clothes, and gossip?"

If you think like this you have two main concerns. The first is to find some people you don't feel are shallow. Not as many as you may think, but some people truly are vapid. The second is to make sure you don't have too much of a negative attitude about other people, and life in general, and correct it if you do. I'm not gonna lie, I think if you believe most people are 'shallow', your attitude and perspective need at least somewhat of an adjustment.

Finding some people you can relate to

So in one regard you're right. You could be truly more intelligent and mature than most of your immediate peers, or have interests most other people don't have. If you do have these tendencies then you can't deny them. If you do you'll just die a little inside with each passing day. There's a niche out there for everyone and you should try to find yours.

Seek out other people who are a good match for you

Don't rely on only your immediate social circle or pool of peers to meet your needs. You may need to look outside your high-school/college/job to find the people you can relate to best.
Some of the interests you have may be relatively rare, and you won't meet enough people who share them through random chance. You'll have to go looking for them.
Try joining a club of like-minded people.
If you know people of a certain persuasion hang out at a specific location then start going there yourself.
Join an internet community full of people who are like you. Go to any member meet ups that you hear about, or arrange some yourself for your city.
Don't limit yourself to people in just your age group. There's no law that says you can only hang out with people who's age falls within two years of your own. If you really are more mature you may find you get along better with older people. This can be particularly true for first-born children, who's life experience tends to have given them a more 'grown-up' way of thinking.
Don't automatically assume nobody shares your interests. If you meet someone new then mention that you enjoy such-and-such, or that you like contemplating a certain topic. You never know, the other person could feel the same way.

Give people a chance, many of them are much more complex than they seem

I think a big problem with the "everyone sucks, I have nothing in common with them" attitude is that you can end up writing off lots of people before you even give them a chance.

Don't isolate yourself from people and stew about how much you hate everyone. You'll never realize that they aren't so bad if you don't make an effort to relate to them.
Many people who seem superficial do have 'deep' interests or tendencies. The problem is that one's more superficial aspects are readily apparent, but their deeper traits are more hidden. I know many guys who seem like dumb, vain jocks at a glance but who read constantly and can easily hold their own in a discussion about economics or the Western Canon. I know girls who seem like all they care about is make-up and clubbing, but who are interested in philosophy and history. The thing is these people also do have more 'shallow' traits and hobbies, and they're the first thing you see. If you never spoke to them and just went on a stereotype you'd never know it though. There are tons of people like this out there.
Some people are quite smart, but they have naturally scatterbrained, happy go lucky, or short-attention-span personalities and can come off as seeming less intelligent than they are.
The way people act when they're excitable and having fun can make them seem dumb and shallow as well. Guys can get loud and crude. Girls can get silly and hyper. That kind of stuff is a pretty natural way to behave when people are in 'fun mode'. They may still be able to have a calm, rational discussion about human rights when they're in a different mood, and under different conditions.
Many intelligent, complicated people go through phases in their lives where they enjoy going out and partying a lot, and generally come across as 'shallow'. Eventually they grow out of it and start to enjoy more toned down pursuits.
Social circles can have a few common denominators that apply to every member. Maybe they all like X,Y,Z. But each individual member has their own unique, more esoteric, interests (e.g., one person likes q, another likes r, another likes s). But since the rest of the group doesn't share these interests, they don't feel any need to bring them up. It's not that they'd be ostracized, just that the other members wouldn't be that enthralled or be able to have a good conversation about it. It's easier to stick to the things everyone has in common. So in a group of people that all seem similar, there's a whole range of hidden hobbies and traits, many of which could be described as deep, but you won't know about them unless you do some digging.
This phenomenon also works in reverse and can apply to non-'deep' things. In a group that isn't particularly interested in sports, a member may be a really good athlete, but they don't feel the need to mention it. And if you looked at them you'd never realize it.
Lots of people have certain topics they'd love to discuss with everyone (e.g., political and social issues) but they've learned that doing so can get others riled up and lead to arguments. They decided a while ago that it was better to resist the urge to talk things like religion's negative influence on the world because it's not worth the bad vibes that it can cause.
Another thing that can hide someone's 'deepness' is their appearance. Someone may fall into dressing or grooming a certain way by accident, because they like a particular look (though it has nothing to do with their subculture), because they have to, or because that's how their peers dress.
It's easy to think other people are less deep than you because you only see their superficial surface behaviors. You, on the other hand, have access to all your hidden inner thoughts, many of which are profound and insightful. Couldn't other people have just as rich an inner life as you? And maybe other people don't size you up as being all that deep either when they see your 'surface'.
Don't think you have to be angsty, cynical, and preoccupied with existential questions to be deep, or that anyone who is happy, care free, and fun is shallow, in an "ignorance is bliss" kind of way. I went through a phase where I was bummed about the point of life, but I worked through it and am now more laid back and cheerful. That I'm happy now doesn't mean I'm a peasant who never thinks about these bigger issues.

Make an effort to relate better to regular people as well

While finding people who are similar to you is the main goal, you should also try to broaden your ability to relate to the common man was well.

My personal bias is to place importance on getting along with all kinds of people. You may actually be perfectly happy to only be with other members of your 'tribe.'
It may seem like everyone only cares about a handful of shallow things, which you have no interest in, but there are still dozens of other areas in which you can relate to people.
Realize that socializing with other people can't involve being in 'deep' territory all the time. Sometimes people just want to have fun and joke around. It's like when you watch a movie, you aren't always in the mood for an intense, draining 3-hour drama.
If you only have 'deep' interests, and 'deep' traits, it'll probably do you some good to flesh out your personality more in order to balance your serious side with your lighter, fun side.
I think it's about finding a happy middle ground. Obviously you can't be a total sell-out conformist. But being completely esoteric and unhappily out of touch with 99% of the people you'll come across isn't that great either.
Even if you're super deep and complicated, it never hurts to be socially skilled and grounded.
If you are overly serious, you gotta loosen up a little. Nothing wrong with being able to have a good time.
You may need to add some 'shallow' facets to your personality or learn about a shallow area or two. But lots of 'shallow' stuff is actually fun if you give it a chance, so it's all good.
If you're fairly socially inexperienced, and haven't had a ton of friendships, you may not be completely sure what you're looking for in the people you spend time with. So get to know a variety of different types and see what you like. The people you do end up getting along with the best may be different from what you originally thought you wanted.

If you feel this way when you're younger, things will get better

Although a somewhat cliched and dismissive thing to say, you could just be feeling this way due to standard Teenage Angst. That'll pass.
You may live in tiny close-minded town, or go to a small high-school where you literally don't click with any of your fellow students. Soon enough you'll be able to leave for better opportunities.
There are still plenty of yahoos in college, but it's usually a step up compared to high-school. If you do some searching you should easily be able to find some friends you have a lot in common with, especially if you pick the right school to attend.
As people get older they naturally acquire more interests, and obviously become more mature. They may catch up to you in a few years.

Not having too much of a negative attitude towards people

Feelings of not being able to relate to anyone are usually accompanied by a fair amount of negativity; towards other people, towards the things they like, towards their value compared to yours, and towards life in general. All of these thoughts are totally unproductive in terms of improving your situation.

Make sure larger problems aren't to blame for your views on people

When you're unhappy in general, or about something else, it can make you more irritable and touchy overall. Things that you'd usually let slide now irritate you. Things that you used to intellectually realize were a problem, but which you never got emotionally upset over, now occupy your thoughts. Certain things can become a tangible lightning rod for your overall negativity. You can be looking for a proverbial dog to kick.

Depression is the first thing you should rule out. Being depressed makes you more negative about everything. A classic description is that it's like wearing dark tinted glasses when you look at the world. That could be the cause of your negative attitude about all the mindless or not up-to-your-standards people out there. It can also cause you to resent anyone who seems happy, or the things that seem to make them feel that way.
There may be a specific problem that's eating away at you. It could have to do with your family, something that happened to you a long time ago, something about your current life situation, or something looming in the future. Your problem could be a social one; that you're hopeless with the opposite sex or that you don't have any friends. Once you fix the problem, and become more content with life, you may start to like other people more.
If you feel socially rejected, or left out, your view of other people can stem from this. You may feel bitter towards the vague mass of people who don't accept you (or who you think don't accept you, or who you assume wouldn't accept you) and so label them all as 'shallow sheep', or something like that.

Don't be too negative about other people

So assuming your attitude isn't being caused by something else, it'll still do you no good to be down on other people.

Really, most people aren't that bad. Like I mentioned earlier, many of them are a lot deeper than they seem.
Yeah, some people aren't worth wasting your time on, but don't think that everyone is like that, especially outside of the small reference group you may be using. Again, give people a chance to prove you wrong.
Don't slap a whole group with a certain label or value judgment when you honestly don't have any firsthand experience being around them.
Don't be overly picky about the type of person you want to hang around.
Don't confuse being cheerful, outgoing, and socially capable with shallowness.
Don't confuse caring about your appearance with shallowness.
Don't think that just because someone likes 'shallow' things that it makes them a shallow person to their core.

Shallowness isn't entirely bad

'Shallow' things tend to be fun and entertaining. Nothing wrong with having fun and being entertained.
Some things that you may label as shallow and mindless are actually quite complicated and multi-faceted (e.g., sports are full of strategy).
Some shallow things have tangible rewards (e.g., someone who works out mainly for their appearance is getting into shape, someone who cares a little too much about fashion admittedly looks good most of the time).
You may not agree with certain 'shallow' lifestyles, or life paths, but they may fit the bill for many people (e.g., getting married, having 2.5 kids, and getting a house in the 'burbs is fulfilling and rewarding for many a person).
Even if someone is irredeemably vacuous, they can still be fun to hang around for some things (e.g., going out, light conversation).
Lots of people realize that some of the things they like are fluffy and trashy. But it's a guilty pleasure, so why not? People will listen to disposable bubble gum pop because it's catchy. They'll watch reality t.v. or talk shows because of the train wreck appeal of the people who appear on them. They'll read up on celebrity gossip because it's pure entertainment to hear what stupid thing Paris Hilton did this week.
Not of all your interests are super deep either. Ever played a video game? Ever watched a dumb or flashy action movie? Ever watched a goofy cartoon for laughs? Ever read a comic book or a pulpy novel? Most people wouldn't consider playing a video game as all that deep, actually they'd likely classify it as mindless entertainment. But it's fun, who cares?
In the same vein, some people do things that they acknowledge are an illogical waste of money on one level, but they do them anyways because they like it and get some payoff. I know women who realize they spend too much on make-up or purses, but that's their thing and they feel it makes them look good. Maybe you've bought a high-end action figure, or the collector's edition of a game, or a cool sculpture or sword to put in your room. Some people probably didn't see the point of those purchases, but you thought they were cool so you got them.
Doing 'shallow' and 'deep' things aren't mutually exclusive. Someone could spend the day reading about soil erosion in third world countries then go out at night and get drunk with their friends.

Be careful about getting too high on yourself

The flip side of "Everyone is shallow" is "I'm deeper and more mature than everyone. I'm a misunderstood genius. Other people aren't on the same level as me." This is a really bad attitude to have. I've been there.

It'll make you more isolated and alientated. Instead of giving people a chance you'll push them away more.
Obviously being arrogant won't help you get along with people.
It can cause 'It's not me, it's them' rationalizations for your problems. Instead of acknowledging real issues you have with other people, you can end up seeing yourself as a victim of an unfair, idiot-filled world.
This kind of thinking is indicative of a lack of perspective. You're really not as smart and superior as you think you are. Other intelligent, different, complicated people are actually a dime a dozen. The masses aren't as uniformly vacuous and homogenous as you feel they are.
Just because you're feeling unhappy and like you don't fit in, the explanation isn't automatically that it's because you're a misunderstood poetic genius.
Thinking back to the time in my life when I was the most convinced of how unique and special I was, it was probably when I was the most socially clueless and inept. Now I'm more socially capable than I've ever been, but I'm pretty realistic about where I stand in overall (i.e., I'm just average).
This attitude can originate in the messages you've received all your life. You may have always been told how smart you are, and that being intelligent is the greatest attribute someone can have. Or you may have been the responsible kid who always got positive feedback from adults for how mature you were and how maturity is something to be proud of.
My views on maturity have changed over the years. When I was 17-19 I was always thinking about how mature I was compared to everyone. I equated being overly serious, reserved, and avoiding fun things with maturity. I considered anyone who joked around, had a good time, or partied as being immature. Now I think that the people I looked down on were way more mature than I was. I was just some dork with a smattering of book knowledge and his head too far up his own ass. The people who were out drinking and goofing off in college had way more social and life experience than me. Socially I was like a 13-year old in some ways. Some of my peers had social/life experience beyond their years and were more grown up than I gave them credit for.
And finally, no matter how great you think you are at a certain age, in five years you'll look back at yourself and roll your eyes.

Don't be too uptight and judgmental about certain things

When people complain about everyone being shallow and mindless they usually have a few pastimes in mind as an example of how misguided everyone's priorities are. Drinking, partying, sex, and drugs are the usual targets. Sports and pop entertainment also annoy some people. If you choose not to do something for a good reason then that's totally valid. But it seems lots of people reject certain things not because of anything inherent in the activities themselves, but because of external factors. I don't get that. For example, why knock sports because you didn't like the guys on your football team in middle school? That has nothing to do with sports. Some of the things I'll say below aren't the 'safe' answers to give, but whatever.

Just to be clear, none of this is to convince you to do anything. If you don't want to do something, for any reason whatsoever, then it's still your call.
The reason lots of people like to do certain things is because they can be fun/amusing/entertaining. You may feel the same way if you give them a chance.
No matter how much it seems like everyone does certain things, there's always a sizeable group that doesn't participate. Also, even among the participators, different people will take part to varying degrees. Don't assume every member of a group does x, and does it to the worst degree.
People who like to do certain things have other sides to them as well.
Don't knock things you haven't tried. This sounds like a standard peer pressure thing to say, but it has a point. Yeah, you can judge smoking crack on a pile of garbage before you try it, but don't be too sanctimonious and judgmental about more minor things (e.g., all the people who drink and go to parties aren't sacrificing themselves on a craven alter of depravity and excess).
Don't say you'll never do certain things, especially when you're young. You never know, you may change your mind. I know people who drink now, and see no problem with it, who were against it in high-school.
Don't knock things mainly because you're uncomfortable with them. For example, just because you don't like going to parties, or feel awkward at them, doesn't mean that all the people who go to them are vacant conformists.
Don't knock things just because people you dislike for other reasons do them.
Don't knock something because some people give you crap for not doing it, or not being good at it. The activities themselves aren't to blame.
Don't knock things just because you're really envious of the people who do them. For example, if you'd like to be more like the popular, charismatic people who also drink and dress well, don't knock drinking and fashion just because you're frustrated that you're not popular yourself.
Don't look at things in stark Black & White terms. Not all drinking is bad. Not all casual sex is bad. Not all drug use is bad. There's a huge difference between having a glass of wine at dinner, or catching a cheap buzz, compared to drinking straight vodka until you put your hand through a window, puke all over yourself, and pass out in a gutter. A mutual hook-up with an attractive stranger can be a great time, with no STDs for anyone. Smoking pot may lead to nothing more than a goofy evening of snickering at episodes of South Park with your friends. You may take LSD and have a profoundly positive spiritual experience. Drinking, sex, and drugs are 'tools' in a way. You can use them properly and safely, or you can go too far and hurt yourself/others.
If you think of every personality you admire, at least one of them has gotten loaded, done drugs, or had sex with a stranger before. The people who do these things aren't automatically unsalvageable moral degenerates.
Realize that a lot of the messages you get about drinking, sex, and drugs when you're younger are well-intentioned, but heavy handed, one-sided, and not entirely accurate.
When you're younger some things that wouldn't be a big a deal if you did them when you were older have an extra illicit, rebellious element tacked on to them. You have to break the rules and go against the wishes of grown-ups to do them. They get associated with the 'bad' kids. This can make the activities themselves seem more evil and dangerous than they are, especially if you have no desire to be a rule-breaking badass yourself. Drinking is legal when you're an adult, but it's technically illegal to drink underage. Sex is a perfectly healthy thing for adults to do, but in high-school it has a slight taboo quality to it. You're told the proper thing to do is wait. Doing it at too young an age is sketchy, etc, etc. Drugs are illegal and are always taboo, but the same idea can apply. If you're 24 and want to smoke a joint in your apartment, nothing much will happen. But if you do the same thing in high school your parents will probably freak out, you can get suspended, etc, etc.
Annoying drunk people and the stupid things they do are suddenly much more tolerable if you're drinking too. I remember when I was 19 or so, I was a pub with some friends, one of whom didn't drink at the time. All my other friends and I did was share a few pitchers and talk. My non-drinking friend was bored out of his mind. A few months later when he started drinking we were in the same situation. He said, "Wow, now I understand how you guys could sit around and talk for so long that last time."