Do Your Friends Really Suck As Much As You Think?

Poking around on various message boards, I've read a few socially weak guys complaining that their friends sucked. They'd say that they were boring and never wanted to do anything, or that they had several collective personality flaws. The underlying message seemed to be that they thought their friends were holding them back in some way. At least having friends is better than nothing, but what do you do if you're not that crazy about the ones you've got?

There's two issues with this: One is that on some level your friends may actually suck. You wouldn't be complaining about it otherwise. And it happens. Sometimes people aren't matched well with their social circles. But you may be being too hard on them as well, and that's what the article below is about.

Don't be too quick to dump them

Back in my loser days I could be too negative and down on people. Hell, I can still be like that at times. I can think of several times where I had the start of a circle of friends going and I said to myself, "These people suck, I can do better, they're not that fun to hang around with, blah blah blah..." I ended up dropping contact with them in the misguided belief that I was trimming the fat from my social circle. In reality I just ended up cutting off contact with the only people I had to hang out with. Good thing I had a PlayStation to fill that void in my life!

So take it from me, as much as your buddies aren't your 100% ideal friends, don't dump them completely. Having some so-so friends is better than nothing. The rest of this article will carry on with that theme in mind; your friends may not be perfect, but it's better to try and make the best of it.

Take a look at your own attitude

Looking back, I think all the points below have applied to me at one time or another. I guess that's how I came up with them so quickly. Less confident, more socially picky guys can potentially succumb to any of these. Like I said before, your friends probably do have their problems, but your own attitude may be causing you to see things with an extra-dark tint to them. Ask yourself questions such as:

Are your friends really that bad or are you just being overly negative and critical towards people?
Are they total losers or are they typical imperfect people?
Even if they do have their share of flaws, do they still have plenty of good qualities?
Do you have unrealistic expectations about how perfect friendships are supposed to be?
Are you too picky and unrealistic about what qualities you expect your friends to have?
Is your ego (falsely) telling you you can only associate with a certain caliber of people?
Do you care too much about what people would think if they knew you were friends with these supposedly flawed people?
Are you down about life in general and those bleak feelings are bleeding into how you evaluate your relationships with other people?
Do you have insecurities that cause you to reject other people before they reject you?
Do you have insecurities that may make you think your friendships are going less well than they actually are?
Are you down on yourself to the point where you think people would not care, or even be happy, if you dropped contact with them?
Is your tolerance for socializing so low that after knowing people for a little while, it all becomes too tiring to maintain, and you want to escape?
Do you feel your current friends are holding from something in a vague kind of way? (e.g., "I know I'd get some girls somehow if I had a better circle of people to hang out with.")

Look at your own strengths and shortcomings as well

Okay, so you're down on your friends, but are you really that hot yourself? If you think your friends are boring, how interesting and fun to be around are you really? If you say your friends are dull and annoying, well are you that much better than them? I'm not trying to rag on you, but are you honestly in the position to be passing judgment on the people you hang out with? Do you believe you truly deserve to hang around higher quality people? Would they want to hang around you?

I don't want to sound harsh, but be realistic about where you stand. I think I would have appreciated some of my friends more at the time if someone had knocked me down to earth from off my negative high horse. So I wasn't so cool back then, so what? That doesn't mean I couldn't enjoy the company of the supposedly lame people I knew. And they really weren't that bad in hindsight.

...Okay, no more lecturing. Let's switch gears and get into more practical territory. From now on I'll talk about some ways you can hang around more boring, annoying people and still extract some enjoyment for yourself.

Take the edge off people's boringness by doing fun things

You can do a lot to make boring people seem a lot less uninteresting by doing fun things with them. That gives their boring nature less of an opportunity to show itself. At the same time, it gives them an opportunity to cut loose and show a more colorful side of their personality. Also, the good feelings you get from doing something fun will rub off on them.

On the other hand, if you always interact with them under the same barren, tedious circumstances, of course you're going to have a boring time. Even more engaging people can seem boring if they have nothing to work with. If you have dull friends then don't just sit around someone's stark apartment and aimlessly watch t.v. week after week. Get out and do some crazy, entertaining stuff with them. Party it up. Get in adventures. Whatever you do, don't be boring yourself. Be an interesting conversationalist. Joke around. Have lots of ideas for things to do. If they resist certain suggestions then find some way to compromise or meet them halfway. Be a bit of a salesman if you have to.

Another thing to try is interacting with people in different combinations. A guy who seems boring one-on-one may be quite fun to hang with in a larger group (where they don't have to contribute as much to the conversation). Conversely, some people who are quiet in larger groups are easy to get along with on their own.

Finally, some people are only fun in certain situations. If worse comes to worse, only see them under those circumstances. I know a guy who's a regular at a certain bar. When he's there he's in his element and is a pretty good guy. Anywhere else he's too quite and reserved for my taste. I'm happy to only see him when I drop by that one place.

Derive what value from so-so friends that you can

This point is a bit Machiavellian. If your friends really aren't that fun to be around, you can still use them to gain access to situations where you can have fun on your own. Movies, concerts, bars, parties - you can have fun at all these places yourself, but it's ideal if you have some people to go with. So go with your friends and then mostly have fun on your own. Make sure they're not totally miserable, but aside from that do your own thing. Maybe you just don't want to stay in on the weekends, so use your friends as a way to go out. At the bar they may just stand there like bumps on a log, but you can still grab some drinks, listen to the music, and talk to other people.

That's the cynical viewpoint, but ideally you'll start doing some new things with your friends and you'll realize they're not all that bad. And they'll hopefully start becoming more fun themselves.

If your friends aren't meeting a particular need, find some custom friends to fill it

Maybe you're happy with your friends for the most part, but they have no interest in taking part in a certain activity with you. With time this unmet need can grow into a point of contention. In that case get some friends to do only that thing with you. Having shallow 'activity' friends is fairly common for guys so this isn't a big deal. Have guys who are just drinking buddies. Or guys who you only play video games with. It's like in high-school how many people had the friends they partied with on the weekend, and the more straight-laced people they were friends with at school. You don't need to have all your needs met by one group of people, feel free to compartmentalize.

If all else fails then make some new friends

I've stressed that you should try to make the best out of what you have to work with, but if you're really not feeling it, then you'll obviously want to move on. Don't beat your head against a wall too much trying to change them either. Check out How To Make Friends And Get a Social Life for some advice on that area if you haven't already seen it. Don't dump your current friends too quickly though, lest you end up with nothing. Wait until you've known your new friends for a while before dropping contact with your old ones totally.